Showing posts with label Family Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family Jokes. Show all posts

True Account recorded in the Police log of Florida

๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‰

Get Out Of The Car!

This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

The moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment ... make it memorable.

๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜ฌ๐Ÿ˜ฌ๐Ÿ˜ฌ

Hunter went on safari with Wife and Mother-in-law

A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One evening, his wife awoke to find her mother gone.
She woke up her husband and the two of them prepared to go outside
and search for her mother.
The hunter picked up his gun, and they were ready to go.
Not far from the camp, they came upon a frightening sight:
The mother-in-law was pinned against thick, impassable bush, while a huge lion growling menacingly just inches from her face.
The wife yelled in fear, “What are we going to do?”
“Don’t worry about it dear,” said the husband.
“The lion can take care of himself”

These type of Kids become Auditors

Kid - Mom did u see me before i was born??
Mom - No i didn't...
Kid - Then after i was born how did u know its me??
Mom shocked.... ๐Ÿ˜ณ
Moral - These type of kids become Auditors and come for Audit.... !!!!

Ladke ke pita ladki dekhne gaye

เคฒเคกเค•े เค•े เคชिเคคा เคฒเฅœเค•ी เคฆेเค–เคจे เค—เคฏे! เค‰เคจ्เคนोเคจे เคฒเฅœเค•ी เค•े เคชिเคคा เคธे เคชूเค›ा: เคฒเฅœเค•ी เค•्เคฏा เค•เคฐเคคी เคนे ?
เคฒเฅœเค•ी เค•े เคชिเคคा  :เคธी เค เคนे !
เค‰เคจ्เคนोเคจे เคชूเค›ा เคฒเฅœเค•ी เค•ा เคญाเคˆ เค•्เคฏा เค•เคฐเคคा เคนे ?
เคฒเฅœเค•ी เค•ा เคชिเคคा :เคตो เคญी เคธी เค เคนे !
เคฒเคก़เค•े เค•ा เคชिเคคा :เค‰เคธเค•ी เคฎाเคคा เคœी เค•्เคฏा เค•เคฐเคคी เคนे ?
เคฒเฅœเค•ी เค•ा เคชिเคคा: เคตो เคญी เคธी เค เคนे !
เคฒเคก़เค•े เค•ा เคชिเคคा :"เค…เคฐे เคตाเคน ! เคธเคฌ เคธी เค, เคคเคฌ เคคो เค†เคช เคญी เคธी เค เคนी เคนोเค—े !!"
เคฒเฅœเค•ी เค•ा เคชिเคคा: เคจा ,เคจा !  เคฎे เคคो เค˜ाเค˜เคฐा เคšोเคฒी เค•ाเคŸु เคนूँ ...
เคฏे เคธเคฌ เคธीเคฏे เคนे  !!!
๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„

Madam gifts maid a Saree

Maid: Please take back this old saree you gave me.
Madam: Why ?? It is as good as new.
Maid: That's not the issue. It's a wonderful saree but Sir mistakes me for you !!!!
Madam: WHAT !!!! Did he do anything ????
Maid: No madam, that's the problem. Ever since I started wearing this saree, he has stopped giving attention to me thinking its you !!!!!!
๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’…๐Ÿป๐Ÿ’ค

A Family Story with a Moral

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe told his story first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched."

"Excellent!" said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen ... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete."

"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

"Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's drunk."

A Girl ran away from home with her Boy friend

A Girl ran away from home with her Boy friend. whole family was Depressed when Suddenly She came back after 3 Days.

Dad: Just get out!!!. Don't say anything

Mom: Already you killed us. Now why you came here?

Brother: Why are you irritating us? Just get out.

Everyone just melted listening to her reply.

Girl: " I want Nokia charger ( chota wala pin).."
๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜…
Moral: Nokia will give three days battery backup !

Saas aur nayi dulhan

เคธाเคธ เคจเคˆ เคจเคตेเคฒी เคฌเคนू เคธे...
-.-
เคธाเคธ๐Ÿ‘ฐ:-เคฆेเค–เคจा เคชเค•ोเฅœी เคเค• เคเค• เค•เคฐ เคนी
เคคเคฒเคจा.!
-.-
เคตเคฐเคจा เค•ोเคˆ เค•เคš्เคšी เค•ोเคˆ เคชเค•्เค•ी เคฐเคน
เคœाเคเค—ी.!!
-.-
...เค”เคฐ เคนां เคญिเคจ्เคกी เคเค•-เคเค• เค•เคฐ เคงोเคจा
เค”เคฐ เคซिเคฐ เคŸॉเคตेเคฒ เคธे เคชोंเค› เค•เคฐ เคเค•-เคเค•
เค•เคฐ เค•ाเคŸเคจा.!!
-.-
...เค”เคฐ เคธुเคจ เคงเคจिเคฏा เค•ी เคเค• เคเค• เคชเคค्เคคी
เคคोเฅœ เค•เคฐ เคงोเคจा.!!
-.-
-.-
เคฌเคนू เคฆो เคšाเคฐ เคฆिเคจ เคชเคฐेเคถाเคจ เคฐเคนी.!
-.-
-.-
-.-
เคซिเคฐ เคชांเคšเคตे เคฆिเคจ เคฌोเคฒी- เคฎांเคœी เค†เคช เคฏे
เคธเคฌ्เคœी เคฆेเค–ो เคคเคฌ เคคเค• เคฎैं เคจเคนाเค•เคฐ
เค†เคคी เคนूं.!
-.-
-.-
เคšाเคฐ เค˜ंเคŸे เคคเค• เคฌाเคฅเคฐूเคฎ เคธे เคœเคฌ เคฌเคนू
เคจเคนीं เคจिเค•เคฒी เคคो..!!
-.-
เคธाเคธ ๐Ÿ‘ผเคฌोเคฒी เค…เคฐे เคฌเคนू เคคुเคे เคจเคนाเคจे เคฎें
เค•िเคคเคจा เคตเค•्เคค เคฒเค— เคฐเคนा เคนै?
-.-
-.-
-.-
เคฌเคนू: ๐Ÿ‘ผเคฎांเคœी เค†เคชเค•े เคฌเคคाเค เค…เคจुเคธाเคฐ เคธिเคฐ เคฎें
เคเค•-เคเค• เคฌाเคฒ เคถेเคฎ्เคชू เค•เคฐ เคฐเคนी เคนूं เค…เคญी เคคीเคจ
เค˜ंเคŸे เค”เคฐ เคฒเค—ेंเค—े.!๐Ÿ™Ž๐Ÿ’
-.-
-.-
เค†เคช เค–ाเคจा เคฌเคจा เคฒो.!!๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ˜„
เคญाเคฐเคคिเคฏ เคจाเคฐी เคธाเคธ เคชเคฐ เคญाเคฐी๐Ÿ‘ฉ

Ek ladki ki nayi nayi shaadi hui

Ek ladki ki nayi nayi shaadi hui...
.
.
Bahu ka mann udaas na ho issliye sab gharwaalo ne socha uska khaas khayal rakhege...
.
.
Subah-subah hi sasur bole?
"Aaj se tum meri bahu nahi beti ho..."
.
Shaam ko saas bhi boli
"Aaj se tum meri bahu nahi beti ho..."
.
Phir nanad boli,
"Aaj se aap meri badi bahen ho..."
.
Shaam ko jab pati lauta toh bahu boli,
"Maa ji...
Bhaiyaa aa gaye..."
๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ

Papa aur 12 saal ka beta 1 hotel mein gaye

เคชाเคชा เค”เคฐ 12 เคธाเคฒ เค•ा เคฌेเคŸा เคเค• เคนोเคŸเคฒ เคฎें เค—เค।
..
เคชाเคชा- เคตेเคŸเคฐ เคเค• เคฌिเคฏเคฐ เค”เคฐ เคเค• เค†เคˆเคธเค•्เคฐीเคฎ เคฒाเค“।
..
เคฌेเคŸा - เค†เคˆเคธเค•्เคฐीเคฎ เค•्เคฏों เคชाเคชा..
เค†เคช เคญी เคฌिเคฏเคฐ เคฒीเคœिเคฏे เคจा।
**เคฆे เคฅเคช्เคชเคก़ เคชे เคฅเคช्เคชเคก़**
๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

A sample 1000 rupee meal

A sample 1000 rupee meal.

The VAT + Service Tax (Including Swachch Bharat Cess) would be 195.5. (Govt earning 195.5)

Now to take home that 1000 rupees, i had to earn 1333.33 rupees (25% approx Income Tax on salary). (Govt. earning 333.33)

I had to use my bike for the 20km trip to and fro home. Fuel Expenses -  45 Rupees (Govt earns 23 rupees on that. Including latest excise hike of 1.50

So when i went out for a meal for 1000, the Govt. earned 195.5+333.33+23= 551 Rupees.

Moral: learn to cook at home๐Ÿ˜›

A Small conversation between Grandfather and GrandSon

Grandfather : When I was your age, I used to take two
rupees to the market and bring home soap, rice, milk,
bread, ghee and face powder , etc.

Grandson : Nowadays it is difficult.....there are CCTV
cameras everywhere ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

The Real Father

Mother: Son I'm sorry my husband is not your dad. I had an affair 23 years ago with a man . And that person is your real father."

Son: Mum, what rubbish! How am I to deal with this?

Mother: I am sorry he was my first love and I could not marry him..
'cause we are from different religions. He is on the phone right now and wants to speak with his son, come talk to him."

Son: No I am not speaking to any one. My dad is the only father I know and so will that be."

Mother: Please don't be so upset. Just talk to him.

Son: Ok, I will not commit anything.

Phone: Morning Son, I am Mukesh Ambani. I am your real father.

Son: Maa ki Aaaannkkhhh... Dad! Dad! Dad!!! Thank God! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Thank God!!!!!! Luv u so much Dad!!!! I always knew there was something special about me.. Thank you soooo much mum. You are the best mum in d world!"

Moral:
Na Biwi Na Bachha ; Na Baap Bada Na Bhaiya ; The Whole thing is dat ki bhaiya Sabse Bada Rupaiya..
๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ‘‰๐Ÿ’ฐ๐Ÿ’ฐ๐Ÿ’ฐ๐Ÿ’ฐ

5 Years old son after watching TV

5 years old son,
After watching a story of an Emperor on TV:

"Mum, I also want 7 wives, one will cook for me, one will read for me, one will go for walk with me, one will sing for me,one can bath me,...."

Mum smiled and said:
"Then night time I don't have to accompany you to sleep!"

After some thought, son said:
"Not possible, I still want to sleep with you mummy!"

Moms eyes fill up with tears of happiness:
"My sweet son!"
"Then who will sleep with your 7 wives?"

"Let them sleep with daddy!"

Dads eyes fill up with tears of happiness:
"My sweet son!"๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Present aur Future tense ki example

Daughter : Mummy, past present and future tense ki example do.
Mummy :
Mai sundar thi,
Mai sundar hun,
aur Mai sundar rahungi.
Daughter : Papa, aap bhi koi example batao.
Papa :
Isko veham tha,
Isko veham hai,
aur Isko veham rahega.
๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ

Wife bache ki potty test karwane gayi

๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„
Wife bache ki potty test karwane gayi.
Pathologist : "Ye potty nahi halwa hai"
Biwi- "Ek phone kar loon??"
Pathologist : "Kyon?"
Biwi : "Unko batana hai ki vo lunch me galat dabba le gaye hain". ๐Ÿ˜–๐Ÿ˜ฉ๐Ÿ’ฉ๐Ÿ’ฉ๐Ÿ˜œ

A Child asked his Father, " How were People Born?"

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies,
then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and
she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

How Inflation occurs

Ek Dum Fresh....
.
.
Teacher at Class :
"Suno Bachcho kal tum logo ka group photo shoot hoga...
Sab log apne apne ghar se Rs.50/- le kar aana...
.
.
Naughty Kid :
"Ye sab Teacher logo ki mili bhagat hoti hai...
Ek photo ke 20/- Rupye lagte hai aur hum logo se 50-50 rupye liye ja rahe hai...
Matlab ek Bachche se 30/- Rupeye bachayenge matlab akele apni class me 60 bachche hai to 60×30=1800 Rs...
khuli Loot macha rakhi hai in logo ne...
.
Fir hamare paiso se ye sab Staff-Room me baith ke Samosa khayenge aur hum bachchon ko milega Thenga...
.
Bhalai ka to zamaana hi nahi rah gaya...
.
.
Naughty Kid to Mom :
"Mummy kal School me
group photo shoot hona hai teacher ne Rs.100/- rupye mangaye hai...
.
.
Mom : 100 Rs...!! khuli loot macha rakhi hai in logo ne...
.
Fir hamare paiso se ye sab eish karenge...
Ruk Beta mei tere Pappa se mangti hu...
.
MOM TO DAD :
Aare sunte ho Bache ke school mei group photos ke liye Rs.200 mange hai...!!''
This is how Inflation occurs....
๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚
Issued in Public Interest.

Mother-in-law tests her Son-in-laws

A Mother -in -Law decides to test her three Son- in- laws for their good nature.
For this she goes for a walk by a river with the first son in law & jumps in. He saves her. Next morning he finds a Toyota corolla parked outside his house with note: From your Mother In Law.
Next she goes for a walk by the river with the second son in law & jumps in. He too saves her.  Next morning he also finds a Toyota Corolla parked outside his house with note : From your Mother In Law.
Next she goes for a walk by a river with the third son in law & jumps in. He just laughs and walks away.  Next morning he finds a BMW M5 parked outside his house with note:
from your Father In Law!๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜ƒ

A Horror Story in just 1 Sentence

3 friends lived in a flat on the 100th floor...
One day when the lift was not working they decided to tell each other stories as they walked up the stairs.
The 1st told a comic story till the 50th floor,
2nd told an action story till the 99th floor and
the 3rd told a horror story in just 1 sentence -

"I forgot the flat keys in the car."
๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚