Three guys go in for a job interview

Three guys go in for a job interview

Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office.

The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says,
"What's the first thing you see when you look at me?"
The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears."
The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again."

The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question.
The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears."
The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company.

As the second guy is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy,
"Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing."
"Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office.

Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me."
The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts."
The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that?"
The applicant answered, "Because, you can't wear glasses, you've got no ears!"

How bosses tackle the Increment question

How bosses tackle the Increment question

I asked the boss if I could get a raise.

And, he said, "Because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position's productive capacity as juxtaposed to the industry standards, it would be monetarily injudicious to advocate an increment."

I said, "I don't get it."

He said, "That's right."

Lawyers POV : What is advocacy ?

College Student Group asked a lawyer
Sir, what does 'advocacy' mean?"
Lawyer said:
I will present an example for this! 👇
Suppose two people come to me, one is very clean and the other is very dirty. I advise both of them to get clean and take bath.
Now you guys tell me, who among them will take a shower ?? "
One student said: "The one who is dirty will take a shower."
The lawyer said:
No, but the clean person will do it, because he has the habit of bathing, while the dirty does not know the importance of cleaning
Lawyer :: Now tell who will take a shower ?? "
The second student said: Clean person
The lawyer said:
No, but the dirty person will take a bath because he is the one who needs cleaning.
Now tell who will take a shower ?? "
Two students said: "The one who is dirty will take a shower."
The lawyer said:
"No, but both will take a bath because the clean person has a habit of bathing, while the dirty one needs a bath.
Now tell who will take a shower ?? "
Now three students speak together: "Both of them will take a shower."
The lawyer said:
"Wrong, no one will take a bath, because dirty is not used to bathing, whereas clean one does not need to bath.
Now tell who will take a shower ?? "
A student politely said:
🙏🏻"Sir, you give a different answer every time and every answer seems to be correct. How do we know the correct answer ???"
Lawyer said:
This is just 'advocacy'! It is not important what the reality is.
The important thing is, how many possible arguments can you offer to prove your point. "

The old lady and the bank teller

The old lady and the bank teller

😂😂😂
The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw £10
The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than £100 please use the ATM.”
The old lady wanted to know why ...
The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you.”
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, you have £30,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.
The teller told her any amount up to £3000
"Well, please let me have £3000 now", she The teller then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her
The old lady put £10 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit £2990 back into her account.
the moral of this tale .......
Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills.👍

EMPLOYMENT?

EMPLOYMENT?
Our sardarji was filling up an application form for a job.
He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc.
Then he came to the column
Salary Expected : He was not sure as to what to be filled there.
After much thought he wrote : Yes

LLB Class

LL.B. Class:

​Professor​: "If you have to give an orange to me, what will you say?"

​Student​: 😏"Take this orange."

​Prof​: 😡"No. Say it like a lawyer would."

​Student​: "I, Ramakrishna, son of Satyamurthy resident of Bangalore, Karnataka do hereby solemnly affirm & voluntarily & consciously declare out of my volition & without any fear or favour or pressure or undue influence, that I'm giving this fruit called 'orange' on which I have absolute right, title and interest, along with its peel, juice, seed and pulp.
I am also giving you absolute and unqualified right and interest to cut, peel, store in freeze or eat it.
You will also have the right to give this along with its peel, juice, seed or pulp to any one whosoever.
I further declare that I will be solely responsible and liable for any dispute till today pertaining to this orange. And after this conveyance today, my relationship with this orange will cease to exist."

Cancel your credit card before you die (hilarious! )

Cancel your credit card before you die......... .(hilarious! )

Now some people are really stupid!!!! Be sure to cancel your credit cards before you die....... customer service being what it is today.
😁😂😜😉😛😆😃😀

A lady died this past January, and ICICI Bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been Rs.0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around Rs.6000.00. A family member placed a call to ICICI Bank.

Here is the exchange :

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

ICICI Bank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections. '

ICICI Bank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

ICICI Bank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

ICICI Bank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

ICICI Bank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a Rs.0 balance.'

ICICI Bank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

ICICI Bank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)

ICICI Bank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )

After they got the fax :

ICICI Bank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

ICICI Bank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

ICICI Bank: 'That might help...'

Family Member: Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Avinashi, Coimbatore

ICICI Bank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'

(Priceless!!) 😜😂😀🤣😄😃

Corporate manager house

A visitor knocked at the door of a corporate Manager and asked:

"Mr Subramanian lives here?"

The wife replied :
"He actually lives in his office; he has just taken this house for address proof purpose!!"
😂😂

Dedicated to all hard workers

Muthuswamy bringing coffee without spilling

Boss :
Muthuswamy , how do you do it every single day? For 30 years u hv been bringing me coffee filled to the brim every morning without spilling it?

Muthu: Sir, before I climb up the stairs I take a big sip. as i get upstairs, I put it back

Muthu's Farewell Party is  tomorrow..😂🤔🤣

Kahani corporate ki

Kahani corporate ki...

After the 1st Peg...

Bro, I am well settled in life, Good Package, Good Incentive, Good Company, Allowances for everything, fancy parties, only challenge is to find time to enjoy with my friends.

After the 4th Peg...

Bhai, Kutta bana rakha hai Kutta..
Saalon ne!!
😃😃

Grandma in Court

GRANDMA IN COURT..
Brilliantly Hilarious:

😃😃😃😃😃

Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren't prepared for the answer!

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.

He approached her and asked; _"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"_

She responded, _"Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams._ _I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.._
_You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.."_

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, _"Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney (the opponent's lawyer)?"_

She again replied, _"Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. ..Yes I know him."_

The defense attorney almost *died*.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said:

_*"If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to jail for contempt of court !*
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Enjoy a good laugh, but don't laugh alone 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Corporate World

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said: "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.

Now after ten years it's different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."

Said the counselor: "Why complain. You are still getting the same service.
In the corporate world they call it,

Job Rotation!"

😃😝😂😁

Don't you just love lawyers?

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Donald, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf & dumb. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Donald would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Donald about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Donald, Where's the money?

Donald signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Donald's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Donald, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Donald trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"

Don't you just love lawyers?

A renowned philosopher and his chauffeur

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his chauffeur, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.

Then one day the chauffeur approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening's lecture. The philosopher agreed and, for a while, the chauffeur handled himself remarkably well. When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked, "Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?"

"That is an extremely simple question," he responded. "So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do."

Story from an IT guy

Story from an IT guy...

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that I wld do sumthing crazy
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (Ramachari ) asked me what I was
doing. I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb. He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office....

When my co-worker (Ramachari) followed me, Boss asked him, ‘And where do you think you're going?!

(You're gonna love this....)

He said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark !!😝😝😝

You are in a Helicopter

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Story of "Behind every successful man there's a woman"

During a company's annual family trip to a crocodile farm in Thailand... the eccentric Boss dared any of his employees to jump into the crocodiles infested pond... and swim to the shore.
Anyone who survived the swim will be rewarded with 5 million... but if killed by the crocs...2 million will be given to the next of kin.
For a long period of time no one dared take up the challenge... then suddenly a man jumped in...and swam frantically for his life towards shore pursued by the crocs...and luckily he made it unscathed.
When he managed to recover his breath... the man, who became instant millionaire, shouted asking who pushed him into the pond..... it was his wife who did it.!!!
And from that day...that was how the phrase... "Behind every successful man...there's a woman"...came about !!!😜🤣

Is your daddy home ?

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
Yes ,
whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, ' No .'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' Yes
'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered,
' No '
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
whispered the child
Yes, a policeman.
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
whispered the child.
No, he's busy,
'Busy doing what?'came the whispered answer.
' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman, Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'answered the whispering voice. A helicopter
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,
The search team just landed a helicopter '
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
' ME. '

HR during Increment

This one is mind blowing...😉

HR during increment gave dice to employee🎲 & said:
If u get 1,2,3,4,5 *No increment for you*

Employee askd:
Aur agar 6 aya to?😎

HR:
Kabhi 'LUDO' nahi khela kya? Phir se chance milega.😂😂😂😂😂

Degree ki Value

😊😊😊😊😊😊
3 इन्जिनियर एक टेढ़े मेढ़े पाइप में से
 तार डालने कि कोशिश कर रहे थे,😁😁
.
एक गांव वाला 5 दिन से ये सब देख रहा था
5 वें दिन वो बोला:- मै करू साब ??😐
.
वो बोले:- हम 5 दिन से कोशिश कर रहे हैं,😕
.
हमसे तो हुआ नहीं, तु कैसे निकालेगा ?😠
.
चल तु भी कोशिश करले……
गाँव वाला बोला:- ठीक😔
.
गाँव वाला खेत मे गया एक चूहा लाया उसकी पूँछ मे तार बान्धा चूहे को पाईप मे डाला😁😋
.
चूहा दुसरी तरफ से तार के साथ बाहर निकल गया |😜😝😃
.
तब सालो को पता चला डिग्री कि तो कोइ वेल्यु ही नही है।
😂😂😂😂