A long line of cooks

A Jew applied for an audience with the Pope.
After insistently waiting for three days and refusing to budge, he was finally granted one.
"Your Holiness, I come from a long line of cooks," said the Jew.
"That's very nice," said the Pope. "What can I do for you?"
"My father was a cook too. So was my grandfather!" said the Jew.
"I gather," said an increasingly bored pontiff.
"In fact, my ancestors have been cooks for over 2000 years," the Jew kept pressing.
At his wit's end, the pontiff replied, "You have been going on and on about this since you walked in... What can I do about that and how can I help you, young man?"
"Your Holiness," said the Jew, "The Last Supper Bill still hasn't been paid!"

A priest and a Bus driver at Heaven's Gate

A priest dies & is waiting in line at heaven's gate.

Ahead of him is a loud mouthed guy, fashionably dressed, wearing sun glasses, a fancy shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God to the guy :
'' Who Are You....???? ''

Guy : '' I am the Thrissur-Guruvayur Express Bus driver.....!!!! ''

God : Take this gold robe & enter the kingdom of heaven.

God to the priest : Who Are You.....???? ''

Priest : I am a priest & spent 40 years preaching good to people.

God :
'' Take this cotton robe and enter heaven......!!!! ''

Priest :
'' God, how come that foul mouthed, rash driver gets a gold robe while I, who spent all my life preaching good, get cotton......!!!!! ''

God :
'' Results, my son, results......
While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people really prayed.......''
“ It's Performance, Not Position That Counts.....!!!!!! ”

😆😆😂😆😆😆😂😂🤣🤣

A drunk and a priest in the bus

On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
"Do you know what arthritis is?"

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life:
consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, binges and other things I dare not say."

The drunk widened his eyes, shut up and continued reading the newspaper.

A little later the priest,
thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk,
tried to soften:
"How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis!
It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."🤔😀

Careful What You Preach

Careful What You Preach ....

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,
'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said,
'And, if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,
'And if I had all the whisky in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down ...

The choir leader stood up very cautiously and announced with a smile, almost laughing,
'For our closing Hymn, Let us sing from the Revelation,
'Shall We Gather at the River.'

Nun calls Whiskey the Devils Drink

Nun calls Whiskey the Devils Drink

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he’s enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. “How can you pollute your soul with the Devil’s drink like that?” she asks.

The man shrugs. “It’s not the Devil, it’s just whiskey.”

“But it’s sinful and wicked!”

“How do you know it’s so bad, then? Have you ever tasted whiskey?”

“Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is.”

“But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?”

They go back and forth like this for a while, before at last, the nun relents. “Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip of whiskey, I would better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn’t do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a teacup?”

The man agrees this is fair, and walks inside to the barman.

“Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please.”

The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts, “Is that damn nun here again!?”

A guy was baptized joke

A guy was baptized joke

A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.

At the 3rd time the priest said:
"You are now baptized, you are a new creation.
The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you.
Your new name is Gomes."

Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge.
He took a Kingfisher beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said:
"You are now a new creation, the old one is gone.
Your new name is Green Tea!"

Why do the girls begin their quest to change men after marriage?

A newly married Alan goes to meet Father George.

He greets the priest and says, 'Father, I need to talk to you.'

The Priest asks, 'Is it a confession, my son?'

Alan replies, 'No, Father! I need to clarify something.'

The Priest takes Alan to his private chamber and says, 'Tell me, Alan.  What is it?'

Alan asks, 'Father, why do the kindest of girls begin their quest to change men after marriage?'

The Priest smiles and replied, 'Alan, my son; as the bride walks down the long aisle, her brain registers 3 stimulii. The altar, the choir and the sound of the hymn being sung. Aisle, altar, and hymn. She becomes mesmerized. Aisle, altar, hymn. Aisle, altar, hymn. Aisle, altar, hymn. And finally, as she stops beside the groom, she is already saying to herself
I'LL ALTER HIM.'
😇😇😇😇😇😇😇

Why the marriage shouldnt go on

😂😂😂
💍 At a wedding ceremony the priest asked if there was anyone who had any reason why the marriage shouldn't go on, it was time to stand up and speak, or forever hold his or her peace.

The moment of utter silence was interrupted by a young beautiful woman carrying a baby.
She started slowly walking toward the pastor.
Everything quickly turned to chaos.
The bride slapped the groom and stormed out of the church.
The groom's mother fainted.
The groomsmen and brides maids ran away in all directions .
The priest asked the woman,
"Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"

Here lies the best part

The woman replied politely, "Father..... I can't hear anything from the back....so am moving to the front seats".
😂😂😂😳😳😜😜😂

A Priest waiting at Heaven's Gate

A Priest dies & is waiting in line at Heaven's Gate.

Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God to the guy :
'' Who Are You....???? ''

Guy :
'' I am Thrissur-Guruvayur Express Bus driver.....!!!! ''

God : Take this Gold robe & enter kingdom of heaven.

God to the Priest : Who Are You.....???? ''

Priest : I am a priest & spent 40yrs preaching good to people.

God :
'' Take this cotton Robe and enter heaven......!!!! ''

Priest :
'' God, how come that foul mouthed, rash driver gets a Gold &
I spent all my life preaching Good, get Cotton......!!!!! ''

God :
'' Results, my son, Results......

While you Preached,
People Slept,
When he drove,
People Really Prayed.......'' 😆

☝“ It's Performance, Not Position That Counts.....!!!!!! ”

Goan Funeral

Goan Funeral ..... Excellent One...
A family in Moira Goa was puzzled
when the coffin of their dead mother
Virginia arrived from Canada. It
was sent by one of the daughters.
The dead body was very tightly
squeezed inside the coffin, with no
space left in it when they opened the
lid; they found a letter on top
addressed to her brothers and
sisters:
Dear Caitan, Consu Clara and Flory,
I am sending Virgins body to you,
since it was her wish that she should
be buried in the Moira Cemetry in
Goa.
Sorry, I could not come along as all of
my paid leave is consumed.
You will find inside the coffin, under
Virgins body, cans of cheese, 10
packets of Tobler chocolates and 8
packets of Badam. Please divide these
among all of you.
On Virgins feet you will find a new
pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for
Caitan,There are also 2 pairs of shoes
for Botu and Lidias sons. Hope the
sizes are correct.
Virgin is wearing 6 American T-Shirts.
The large size is for Peter. Just
distribute the rest among yourselves.
The 2 new Jeans that Virgin is
wearing are for the boys.
The Swiss watch that Maria wanted is
on Virgins left wrist. Flory, Virgin is
wearing the necklace, earrings and
ring that you asked for. Please take
them off her..
The 6 white cotton socks that Virgin
is wearing must be divided among my
nephews.
Please distribute all these fairly.
Love Rosana.
PS: If anything more required let me
know soon as uncle Mario is also not
feeling too well now a days.😜😂

Angrezo ka 1 month ka festival

👌👌Angrezo ka 1 month ka festival chal raha tha jisme wo non veg nahi khate.
Unke mohalle me sardar rahta tha jo daily 🐓Chicken banakar khata tha.
🐓Chiken ki khushboo se preshan hokar Angrezo ne Pope se shikayat ki.
Pope ne us Sardar se kaha tum ''Christian'' dharm swikaar kr lo
wo Sardaar maan gya
To Pope ne Sardaar par Holy water chhidakte huye kaha "You born as a "Sikh", raised as a "Sikh", but now you are a"Christian"
Next day fir Sardaar k ghar se🐓 Chiken ki khushboo aayi to sab angrez uske ghar gye to dekha
Sardaar 🐓Chiken par Holy Water chhidak raha tha aur kah raha tha,
"You born as 🐓"Chicken", raised as a 🐓"chicken" but now you are .."Potato".. 😂😂.
Christian shocked 😟 sardar👳 rocked😝😝

A Bar Opened Opposite a Church!

A Bar Opened Opposite a Church!
The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business...
Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it.
Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction,
as it was an action because of their Prayer...
The Church Denied all Responsibility!
So, the judge commented,
"It's Difficult to Decide the Case
because
Here We have a Bar Owner Who Believes in the Power of Prayer
&
An Entire Church that Doesn't Believe in it !"

Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing

Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing.
The first one to tee off is Moses.
He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green.
Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.
Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard.
Jesus closes his eyes and prays.
The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole.
The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball.
The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water.
A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball,
as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish.
As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish.
As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one.
Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!"

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman

Couldn't resist sharing this.... 
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps,
"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
SLIM
TALL
36"
24"
36"
When she walks into a room, people say,
"Jeeeeesssssus!" 