A long line of cooks

A Jew applied for an audience with the Pope.
After insistently waiting for three days and refusing to budge, he was finally granted one.
"Your Holiness, I come from a long line of cooks," said the Jew.
"That's very nice," said the Pope. "What can I do for you?"
"My father was a cook too. So was my grandfather!" said the Jew.
"I gather," said an increasingly bored pontiff.
"In fact, my ancestors have been cooks for over 2000 years," the Jew kept pressing.
At his wit's end, the pontiff replied, "You have been going on and on about this since you walked in... What can I do about that and how can I help you, young man?"
"Your Holiness," said the Jew, "The Last Supper Bill still hasn't been paid!"

They walk among us

We had to have the automatic garage door repaired.

The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used that repairman since..

They walk among us, they breed, and they vote..

An old man crashed into an expensive automobile

An old man accidentally crashed his car into a very expensive automobile.

The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”

The old man replies, “Woah, wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”

The old man dials his son and as he is about to speak, the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says “So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him!”

The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”

In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, Ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner.

Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says “Dad I train Navy Seals not Dolphins"
🤓🤓🤓🤓🙂

Two Lawyers in an expensive restaurant

Two Lawyers in an expensive restaurant

Two well dressed lawyers went to an expensive restaurant..

Ordered a coffee each and then took out sandwiches from their briefcases to eat.

Waitress: Sorry, Sir! But you can't eat your OWN food here.. Its against the rules..

The lawyers quietly looked at each other and EXCHANGED their sandwiches and continued with their meal!

Picture taken by Traffic Camera

Picture taken by Traffic Camera

About three weeks ago a mate of mine was out driving in town when he saw the white flash of a traffic camera.

He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though he knew that he was not speeding.

Just to be sure,
he went around the block and passed the same spot,
driving even more slowly,
but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny,
so he drove even slower as he passed the area once more,
but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and
was now laughing as the camera flashed while he rolled past again at a snail's pace.

Now three weeks later, He's received six fines for driving without a seat belt...!
📷📷📷

Mumbai ka Monsoon

Mumbai ka Monsoon
⛈🌧🌧⛈🌧⛈🌧

It was pouring down heavily in Colaba,
and standing in front of a big puddle outside a pub was an old Parsi Uncle,
drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water. 🎣

A passer-by, Anand stopped and asked,
"What are you doing, uncle?"

"Fishing", replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, Anand invited him to have a drink with him.
In the warmth of the pub, as they sipped their whiskies,
Anand enquired: "Uncle, so how many have you caught today?"

"You're the fifth", said the old Parsi Uncle.

Foresight of the Prime Minister

Foresight:

A prime minister in one country visited a kindergarten and asked them: How much is the budget for a child's food per month?

They told him: $ 400.

He told them: This is a lot .. They reduced it to 300 dollars!

Then he visited the prison and asked them: How much is the prisoner's food budget per month?

They said: $ 400.

He told them: This is a too little .. Increase it to 1000 dollars!

An accompanying minister asked him: Why did you reduce the food of kindergarten children and increase the prisoners' food?

He said: Do you think that after leaving the Govt we will go to kindergarten?

Pearls of wisdom

A Capitalist Economy

A Capitalist Economy

I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me $45.

Instead, I gave my suit to the charity shop next door.

They cleaned and pressed it, and put it in the window.

I bought it for $12.50!

Help from God

Help from God

A very poor woman with a small family called-in to a radio station asking for help from God.

A non-believer man who was also listening to this radio program decided to make fun of the woman.

He got her address, called his secretary and ordered her to buy a large amount of foodstuffs and take to the woman.

However, he sent it with the following instruction:
"When the woman asks who sent the food, tell her that its from the devil."

When the secretary arrived at the woman's house,
the woman was so happy and grateful for the help that had been received.
She started putting the food inside her small house.

The Secretary then asked her,
"Don't you want to know who sent the food?"

The woman replied,
"No, Say thanks to whomever sent this!
I don't care who the person is because when GOD orders,
even the devil obeys"!

Meaningful questions😁🤣

Meaningful questions😁🤣

👊Why is the place in a stadium where you SIT, called a STAND ?

👊Why is that everyone wants to go to HEAVEN, but nobody wants to DIE !!

👊Shall I say that there is racial discrimination even in chess, As the WHITE always moved FIRST.

👊We have FREEDOM of SPEECH, Then why do we have TELEPHONE BILLS ?

👊If money doesn't grow on TREES, then why do banks have BRANCHES ?

👊Why doesn't GLUE stick to its BOTTLE ?

👊Why do you still call it BUILDING, when its already BUILT ?

👊If its true that we all are here to HELP others, What are others HERE for ?

👊If you aren't supposed to DRINK and DRIVE, Why do bars have PARKING lots ?

👊If All The Nations In The World Are In Debt, Where Did All The Money Go..?

👊When Dog Food is 'New With Improved Taste', Who Tests It ?

👊If The "Black Box" Flight Recorder Is Never Damaged During A Plane Crash, Why Isn't The Whole Airplane Made Out Of That Stuff ?

👊Who Copyrighted The Copyright Symbol ?

👊Can You Cry Under Water ?

👊Why Do People Say "You've Been Working Like A Dog", When Dogs Just Sit Around All Day ??

👊We all are Living in a seriously funny world. So, laugh often !!

🤣😅👏👏

Logic to believe in God

Logic to believe in God

A female school teacher was teaching the kids at school there’s no GOD.
One day the teacher took the kids outside the classroom,
and sat them down on the grass.

And the teacher asks the kids,
“Look up what do you see?”,

The kids replied, “we see the sky”.

And the teacher said, “can you see GOD up there in the sky?”.

The kids replied, “no”.

And the teacher said, “so it means there’s no GOD out there aye?”.

Then one of the kid which is a young boy,
that belives there’s a GOD, stood up and said to the kids,
“Can you all see our teacher?”

The kids answered, “yes”.

The young boy asks them again, “can you all see her brain?”.

The kids replied, “no”.

Then the young boy said to the kids,
“SO ITS MEANS SHE HAS NO BRAIN IN HER HEAD".

Worth of Husband

WORTH OF HUSBAND

🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔
Sophie asks a taxi driver:
"How much does it cost to take me to the airport?"
- 250 bucks

"What if we take my husband too?"
- Same 250 bucks.

Sophie turns to John:
-Haven’t I told you, you are actually worthless...??
😝😝🤣🤣😝😝🤣🤣

Sorry but I need to vent

Sorry, but I need to vent!!!😡😡😡

I experienced the WORST customer service today at a store in town. I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. Last night I bought something from this store. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work.

So today, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the store and asked if I could get a refund. The girl in the store told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead then.

Again this person told me "NO." I asked to talk to a manager now as I'm really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn't work.

The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK."
No refund.
No FREE replacement.

I'll tell you what...I am NEVER buying another Lottery Ticket from there again 😅

Calling an Honourable Minister a pig

Calling an Honourable Minister a pig

Worth a Read !

A man was taken to court for calling an Honourable Minister a pig:
It was his first offence and the Judge was in a good mood and decided to show mercy.
So he discharged him after warning him to desist from unguarded utterances in future.

The man removed his cap and thanked the benevolent Judge profusely. ''Thank you, your lordship."
He continued. "Honestly sir, I didn't know it was wrong to call an Honourable Minister a pig. I won't do it again. I am sorry."

"It's okay." Said the Judge. "You may go."

"My lord, may I ask a question, sir?"

"Feel free." Answered the Judge.

"Now I know it's wrong to call an Honourable Minister a pig, but is it also wrong to call a pig Honourable Minister?"

Amused, the Judge replied. "I don't know why you would want to address a pig as Minister. But I don't think the pig would mind. Anyway, it's not unlawful by the way. Yes, you may call any pig Honourable Minister."

The man smiled and nodded, then he turned to look pointedly at the Minister and said. "Goodbye, Honourable Minister!" 😂

You can't beat Indians !

You can't beat Indians !

An Indian Doctor couldn't find a job in a Hospital in US so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside
"GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100"

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic...

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste"
Indian: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth"
Lawyer: "Ugh..this is kerosene"
Indian: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20"
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money...
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything"
Indian: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth"
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste"
Indian: "Congrats, You got your memory back. Give me $20"
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all "
Indian : "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100"
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100"
Indian : "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

You can't beat Indians!!

Adam ate the apple again !

This is ribs cracking. 😀😀😀

A woman and a man were involved in car accident.
It was a bad one, caused by the woman's reckless driving.
Both of their cars were badly damaged but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of ... cars, the woman says;
“So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely damaged, but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she handed the bottle over to the man.
The man nodded his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police to come and collect their evidence."
(drunk driver's offence)

Adam ate the apple again !
😜😜😜😜😜😜😜

Men will NEVER learn !
Women will Never change!!!
😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀
Don't laugh alone. Kindly put a smile on someone else's face.

A signboard outside a restaurant

😎 😎 😎
A signboard outside a restaurant read : "Eat as much as you can, your grand children will pay the Bill".
A man entered the restaurant and ate as much as he could, got a toothpick and was relaxing.
The waiter gave him the bill.
He laughed and pointed to the signboard, don't you see, "only my grandchildren will pay" !
The waiter politely replied, "Sir, This is not your bill, it's your grandfather's Bill"...
The man fainted ...
Ideas are many to make Money.
Don't laugh alone ... 🍵🍴🍧 pass it.

How many kidneys do we have?

Teacher addresses a student and asks: “How many kidneys do we have?"
“Four!", The backbencher student responds.
“Four? Haha,” The teacher was one of those who took pleasure in picking on his students' mistakes and demoralizing them.
“Bring a bundle of grass, because we have a donkey in the room," the teacher orders a front bencher.
“And for me a coffee!”, the backbencher student added.
The teacher was furious and expelled the student from the room.
The student was, by the way, a famous humorist namely Aparicio Torelly Aporelly (1895-1971), better known as the "Baron de Itararé".
On his way out of the classroom, the student still had the audacity to correct the furious teacher:
"You asked me how many kidneys‘ we have.
"We have four: two of mine and two of yours. ‘We have’ is an expression used for the plural. Enjoy the grass".
Life demands much more understanding than knowledge 😊😂

Lawyers POV : What is advocacy ?

College Student Group asked a lawyer
Sir, what does 'advocacy' mean?"
Lawyer said:
I will present an example for this! 👇
Suppose two people come to me, one is very clean and the other is very dirty. I advise both of them to get clean and take bath.
Now you guys tell me, who among them will take a shower ?? "
One student said: "The one who is dirty will take a shower."
The lawyer said:
No, but the clean person will do it, because he has the habit of bathing, while the dirty does not know the importance of cleaning
Lawyer :: Now tell who will take a shower ?? "
The second student said: Clean person
The lawyer said:
No, but the dirty person will take a bath because he is the one who needs cleaning.
Now tell who will take a shower ?? "
Two students said: "The one who is dirty will take a shower."
The lawyer said:
"No, but both will take a bath because the clean person has a habit of bathing, while the dirty one needs a bath.
Now tell who will take a shower ?? "
Now three students speak together: "Both of them will take a shower."
The lawyer said:
"Wrong, no one will take a bath, because dirty is not used to bathing, whereas clean one does not need to bath.
Now tell who will take a shower ?? "
A student politely said:
🙏🏻"Sir, you give a different answer every time and every answer seems to be correct. How do we know the correct answer ???"
Lawyer said:
This is just 'advocacy'! It is not important what the reality is.
The important thing is, how many possible arguments can you offer to prove your point. "

Men will never learn. Women will never change.

This is ribs cracking🤣🤣🤣🤣
A woman and a man were involved in car accident.
It was a bad one, caused by the woman's reckless driving.
Both of their cars were badly damaged but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of ... cars, the woman says;
“So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely damaged, but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she handed the bottle over to the man.
The man nodded his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police to come and collect their evidence."
(drunk driver's offense)
Adam ate the apple again !
😜😜😜😜😜😜😜
Men will NEVER learn !
Women will Never change!!!
😀😀😀😀😀😀