I accompanied my wife to the parlor

The other day I accompanied my wife when she went to the parlor for a haircut.
Reading a magazine in the reception area,
I found an interesting article.
I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a photocopy.

Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.

"But my Wife is here getting a haircut," I explained. 💇🏻‍♀️💇🏼‍♂️

"Yes," she replied.
"But I need something you'll come back for."

Classic Insult

A guy went to eat in a cheap, ramshackle restaurant.

To his surprise, the waiter was an old classmate at school.

Shocked, he chided him,
"Aren’t you ashamed of yourself working in a seedy joint like this ?".

”Not at all" replied his friend,
"I’d be ashamed if I ate my meals here.
I only work here".

A priest and a Bus driver at Heaven's Gate

A priest dies & is waiting in line at heaven's gate.

Ahead of him is a loud mouthed guy, fashionably dressed, wearing sun glasses, a fancy shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God to the guy :
'' Who Are You....???? ''

Guy : '' I am the Thrissur-Guruvayur Express Bus driver.....!!!! ''

God : Take this gold robe & enter the kingdom of heaven.

God to the priest : Who Are You.....???? ''

Priest : I am a priest & spent 40 years preaching good to people.

God :
'' Take this cotton robe and enter heaven......!!!! ''

Priest :
'' God, how come that foul mouthed, rash driver gets a gold robe while I, who spent all my life preaching good, get cotton......!!!!! ''

God :
'' Results, my son, results......
While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people really prayed.......''
“ It's Performance, Not Position That Counts.....!!!!!! ”

😆😆😂😆😆😆😂😂🤣🤣

He is an Atheist and doesn't believe in Hell

A young girl comes home from a date looking rather sad.

Her mother asks her what’s wrong.
She says, “Harry proposed to me an hour ago.”

Her mother asks, “Why are you so sad then?”

The girl replies, “Because, he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a Hell.”

Her mother says, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.

RELATIVITY - A married couple shopping in the supermarket

RELATIVITY

A married couple was shopping in the supermarket when the husband picked up a crate of Budweiser and put it in the trolley.

“What do you think you are doing?” asked the wife.

“They’re on offer – only $25 for 12 cans” he explained.

“Put them back,” she demanded,” we can’t afford it.”

A few aisles later, she picked up a $50 jar of face cream and put it in the trolley.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asked the husband indignantly.

“It’s my face cream,” she said. “It makes me beautiful.”

He said, “So do twelve cans of Bud and they’re half the price!”

They walk among us

We had to have the automatic garage door repaired.

The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used that repairman since..

They walk among us, they breed, and they vote..

An old man crashed into an expensive automobile

An old man accidentally crashed his car into a very expensive automobile.

The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”

The old man replies, “Woah, wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”

The old man dials his son and as he is about to speak, the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says “So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him!”

The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”

In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, Ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner.

Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says “Dad I train Navy Seals not Dolphins"
🤓🤓🤓🤓🙂

A drunk and a priest in the bus

On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
"Do you know what arthritis is?"

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life:
consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, binges and other things I dare not say."

The drunk widened his eyes, shut up and continued reading the newspaper.

A little later the priest,
thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk,
tried to soften:
"How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis!
It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."🤔😀

Two Lawyers in an expensive restaurant

Two Lawyers in an expensive restaurant

Two well dressed lawyers went to an expensive restaurant..

Ordered a coffee each and then took out sandwiches from their briefcases to eat.

Waitress: Sorry, Sir! But you can't eat your OWN food here.. Its against the rules..

The lawyers quietly looked at each other and EXCHANGED their sandwiches and continued with their meal!

Some fresh husband wife naughty bytes

Some fresh husband wife naughty bytes
👊👊👊👊👊😂

Wife: I hate you.
Husband: What a co-incidence..!!!

😆😂😆😂😂😂

NOW, THIS IS TOO MUCH !!
A husband takes photograph of his wife and then declares himself to be a "WILD-LIFE" PHOTOGRAPHER !!

😂😂😂

A smart wife's note for the husband :
I am going out with my friends for dinner. Your dinner is in the recipe book, on page 25 and ingredients are available at reliance Fresh.

😂😂😂😂😂

Wife: "Darling Let's Enjoy our Saturday and Sunday"!
Husband: "Good Idea!, Let's meet on Monday....!"

😂😂😆

Boss to his friend: Kya zamana aaya hai. My secretary resigned yesterday.
Friend: Why?
Boss: She caught me with my wife in coffee shop

😜😝😛😛

Picture taken by Traffic Camera

Picture taken by Traffic Camera

About three weeks ago a mate of mine was out driving in town when he saw the white flash of a traffic camera.

He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though he knew that he was not speeding.

Just to be sure,
he went around the block and passed the same spot,
driving even more slowly,
but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny,
so he drove even slower as he passed the area once more,
but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and
was now laughing as the camera flashed while he rolled past again at a snail's pace.

Now three weeks later, He's received six fines for driving without a seat belt...!
📷📷📷

Trouble with the English Language

Thoroughly drunk Bawa Dorabjee couldn't hold it any longer &
farts loudly in a London restaurant.

Lord Humphrey sitting at the next table gets very angry and says, “Excuse me.
You have no decency, farting before my wife”.

Distraught with contrition, Bawa Dorabjee stutters,

“My hundred apologies. Believe me, I did not realise it was her turn !!".

That is the trouble with the English language !!!

Mumbai ka Monsoon

Mumbai ka Monsoon
⛈🌧🌧⛈🌧⛈🌧

It was pouring down heavily in Colaba,
and standing in front of a big puddle outside a pub was an old Parsi Uncle,
drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water. 🎣

A passer-by, Anand stopped and asked,
"What are you doing, uncle?"

"Fishing", replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, Anand invited him to have a drink with him.
In the warmth of the pub, as they sipped their whiskies,
Anand enquired: "Uncle, so how many have you caught today?"

"You're the fifth", said the old Parsi Uncle.

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and
inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son,
"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average,
study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.
Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment,
decided he'd settle for the offer,
and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said,
"Son, you've brought your grades up and
I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,
but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said,
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that and
I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair,
John the Baptist had long hair,
Moses had long hair,
and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)
"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went .. ?"

Foresight of the Prime Minister

Foresight:

A prime minister in one country visited a kindergarten and asked them: How much is the budget for a child's food per month?

They told him: $ 400.

He told them: This is a lot .. They reduced it to 300 dollars!

Then he visited the prison and asked them: How much is the prisoner's food budget per month?

They said: $ 400.

He told them: This is a too little .. Increase it to 1000 dollars!

An accompanying minister asked him: Why did you reduce the food of kindergarten children and increase the prisoners' food?

He said: Do you think that after leaving the Govt we will go to kindergarten?

Pearls of wisdom