A drunk and a priest in the bus

On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
"Do you know what arthritis is?"

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life:
consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, binges and other things I dare not say."

The drunk widened his eyes, shut up and continued reading the newspaper.

A little later the priest,
thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk,
tried to soften:
"How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis!
It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."๐Ÿค”๐Ÿ˜€

Two Lawyers in an expensive restaurant

Two Lawyers in an expensive restaurant

Two well dressed lawyers went to an expensive restaurant..

Ordered a coffee each and then took out sandwiches from their briefcases to eat.

Waitress: Sorry, Sir! But you can't eat your OWN food here.. Its against the rules..

The lawyers quietly looked at each other and EXCHANGED their sandwiches and continued with their meal!

Some fresh husband wife naughty bytes

Some fresh husband wife naughty bytes
๐Ÿ‘Š๐Ÿ‘Š๐Ÿ‘Š๐Ÿ‘Š๐Ÿ‘Š๐Ÿ˜‚

Wife: I hate you.
Husband: What a co-incidence..!!!

๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

NOW, THIS IS TOO MUCH !!
A husband takes photograph of his wife and then declares himself to be a "WILD-LIFE" PHOTOGRAPHER !!

๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

A smart wife's note for the husband :
I am going out with my friends for dinner. Your dinner is in the recipe book, on page 25 and ingredients are available at reliance Fresh.

๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Wife: "Darling Let's Enjoy our Saturday and Sunday"!
Husband: "Good Idea!, Let's meet on Monday....!"

๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜†

Boss to his friend: Kya zamana aaya hai. My secretary resigned yesterday.
Friend: Why?
Boss: She caught me with my wife in coffee shop

๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜›๐Ÿ˜›

Picture taken by Traffic Camera

Picture taken by Traffic Camera

About three weeks ago a mate of mine was out driving in town when he saw the white flash of a traffic camera.

He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though he knew that he was not speeding.

Just to be sure,
he went around the block and passed the same spot,
driving even more slowly,
but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny,
so he drove even slower as he passed the area once more,
but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and
was now laughing as the camera flashed while he rolled past again at a snail's pace.

Now three weeks later, He's received six fines for driving without a seat belt...!
๐Ÿ“ท๐Ÿ“ท๐Ÿ“ท

Trouble with the English Language

Thoroughly drunk Bawa Dorabjee couldn't hold it any longer &
farts loudly in a London restaurant.

Lord Humphrey sitting at the next table gets very angry and says, “Excuse me.
You have no decency, farting before my wife”.

Distraught with contrition, Bawa Dorabjee stutters,

“My hundred apologies. Believe me, I did not realise it was her turn !!".

That is the trouble with the English language !!!

Mumbai ka Monsoon

Mumbai ka Monsoon
⛈๐ŸŒง๐ŸŒง⛈๐ŸŒง⛈๐ŸŒง

It was pouring down heavily in Colaba,
and standing in front of a big puddle outside a pub was an old Parsi Uncle,
drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water. ๐ŸŽฃ

A passer-by, Anand stopped and asked,
"What are you doing, uncle?"

"Fishing", replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, Anand invited him to have a drink with him.
In the warmth of the pub, as they sipped their whiskies,
Anand enquired: "Uncle, so how many have you caught today?"

"You're the fifth", said the old Parsi Uncle.

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and
inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son,
"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average,
study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.
Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment,
decided he'd settle for the offer,
and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said,
"Son, you've brought your grades up and
I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,
but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said,
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that and
I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair,
John the Baptist had long hair,
Moses had long hair,
and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)
"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went .. ?"

Foresight of the Prime Minister

Foresight:

A prime minister in one country visited a kindergarten and asked them: How much is the budget for a child's food per month?

They told him: $ 400.

He told them: This is a lot .. They reduced it to 300 dollars!

Then he visited the prison and asked them: How much is the prisoner's food budget per month?

They said: $ 400.

He told them: This is a too little .. Increase it to 1000 dollars!

An accompanying minister asked him: Why did you reduce the food of kindergarten children and increase the prisoners' food?

He said: Do you think that after leaving the Govt we will go to kindergarten?

Pearls of wisdom

A visiting Preacher at a church

A visiting Preacher at a church

A hat was passed around in a Church
to collect money for a visiting preacher
but it came back awkwardly empty.

The preacher took the hat and,
after observing its emptiness, looked up, said,
“I thank Thee, my Lord that I got my hat back“.

Politicians are always Politicians

๐Ÿ˜€Politicians are always Politicians ๐Ÿ˜€

Classic example of honest politician..
๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜Ž
A Businessman went to see a politician to get his work done.
He said "Sir, we want to present you a Brand new car in lieu of the approval for our work"...

Minister : No .... No ... No.... I don't want to get it free.
I want to give some money for this car .....

Businessman after high persuasion agreed and said okay sir ! Please give one rupee.

The minister did not have change and gave two rupee coin.

Businessman jokingly said : sorry sir, I have no change of one rupee to return ...

Minister : No problem.....
You give me another car for my wife....

The Judge and the drunkard

The Judge and the drunkard

The Judge addressed the drunkard,
"You have been brought here for drinking."

Drunkard, "Thank you very much your honour. Let's start."

All, present in the court, burst out laughing.

Banging the gavel, the Judge said, "Order."

Drunkard, "For me CHILLED BEER with KAJU please."
๐Ÿฅƒ๐Ÿฅƒ๐Ÿฅƒ

A Capitalist Economy

A Capitalist Economy

I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me $45.

Instead, I gave my suit to the charity shop next door.

They cleaned and pressed it, and put it in the window.

I bought it for $12.50!

Dont Underestimate Women

Ganapathy retired from bank service as Senior Manager. Got handsome retirement benefits.
He deposited around 50 lacs in Mutual Funds and debt funds.
25 lacs he kept in SB account itself, as his pension was sufficient for him and his wife. He included his wife's name in his savings account and taught her online banking and the importance of OTP... He told her not to divulge OTP to anyone.

One evening Ganpathy returned from walk.
'I forgot to take my mobile...By the way, anything important?' he asked.

Wife said 'Someone phoned from the bank'

Ganapathy froze.

'Regarding OTP?' He asked shockingly .

Wife said 'You are smart. Of course they wanted me to share the OTP as they wanted to convert our account from silver status to diamond status with more benefits'

'My God..did you get an OTP? Did you share it?'

'Of course..when it is the bank people calling how can I refuse?'

Ganapathy slumped on the sofa. He immediately took the mobile, logged into bank account, with a heart pounding like a jet motorset, murmuring "You idiot... 25 lacs gone"

But he was pleasantly surprised to see not only 25 lacs was safe, but also the SB interest was added to it.

"Did you share the OTP correctly?" he asked the wife..

"Yes. But the bank people repeatedly said that it is not correct and asked me to re-check. I stood my ground."

"What was the OTP?"

"It was 2404. Since it is a joint account, I 'shared' only my half of the OTP.... that is 1202"
๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€

Dont underEstimate women.๐Ÿฅฐ

Help from God

Help from God

A very poor woman with a small family called-in to a radio station asking for help from God.

A non-believer man who was also listening to this radio program decided to make fun of the woman.

He got her address, called his secretary and ordered her to buy a large amount of foodstuffs and take to the woman.

However, he sent it with the following instruction:
"When the woman asks who sent the food, tell her that its from the devil."

When the secretary arrived at the woman's house,
the woman was so happy and grateful for the help that had been received.
She started putting the food inside her small house.

The Secretary then asked her,
"Don't you want to know who sent the food?"

The woman replied,
"No, Say thanks to whomever sent this!
I don't care who the person is because when GOD orders,
even the devil obeys"!

The healing kiss

The healing kiss

The healing kiss

A lovely dovey couple are sitting on a bench in the park and
she says,
"My ear huts me..."

He kisses it gently and asks,
"Is it better now, my darling?"

"It's all gone,"
giggles the girl,
"but now I have a pain here."
and she points to her cheek.

The boy kisses it tenderly and asks,
"Better now, sweet pea?"

"It's all healed, my love!
But now I have a very bad pain here."
she replies and points to her neck.

"Excuse me,"
politely interrupts an old man from a neighboring bench,
"This is really impressive!
Do you heal hemorrhoids as well?"