Drunkard Advice to his son

Drunkard Advice to his son

The drunkard told his son at the BAR:
'My dear son, since drink is in the genes, you too will take to drinking; of that, there is no doubt. But, you should drink moderately like me and should know when to stop'

'How to know that, dad?'- Son asked.

'Er, well, look at that table at the corner. Three people are sitting and drinking. You should stop when they appear as six people. Double the actual number is the limit...Got it?'

'But dad,' said the son,' there’s only one man sitting there.'

Trust the Vet

Trust the Vet !

A distraught man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog in his arms shouting for help.
Seeing this the vet immediately rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table.
The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his sadly his beloved pet has passed away.
The man is understandably extremely emotional and is not willing to accept this and demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down beside the dog.
The cat sniffs the dog and walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog.
Finally the cat looks at the vet, shakes it's head slowly and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says,
"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is extremely upset and is still not prepared to accept that his beloved pet is gone.
Shaking his head the vet next brings in a black labrador from the other room.
The labrador labrador sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet, shakes it's head sadly and barks once.
The vet looks at the man and says,
"Look, I'm sorry, but the labrador thinks your dog is gone as well."
The man is finally resigned to the situation and thanks the vet for his help.
Once he has composed himself he asks the vet how much he owes for the visit.
The vet says,
"The total bill will be £1550"
Shocked, the man says
"Just for telling me that my dog was dead?"
"That's completely outrageous!"
Exclaimed the man.
The vet replies,
"I would only have charged you £50 for the initial diagnosis but you weren't happy with that and asked for further extensive testing to confirm the initial prognosis and I'm afraid that doesn't come cheap...."
Somewhat confused by this the man responded,
"Extensive Testing! Extensive Testing!"
"What extensive testing?"
The vet says,
"The additional £1500 was for the cat scan and the lab tests."

Just another reason to divorce !

Just another reason to divorce !

Man: I want to divorce my wife.

Lawyer: What is the reason?

Man: She stays out of the home all night, every night, going from bar to bar.

Lawyer: Is she cheating or has she become an alcoholic?

Man: She is searching for me!

A bloke sits down at the bar in Texas

A bloke sits down at the bar in Texas and says to the barman,
"Hey I've got a great blonde joke for you"

Upon hearing this a blond woman from a nearby table gets up and walks over and says,
"Listen 'Pal' "
"I teach self defense at the local sports centre"
"My 2 friends over there are both also blonde"
"One is an instructer at the local Army Base"
"The other recently came third in the Stongest woman in the world competition"
"Do you still really want to tell that blonde joke?"

The bloke turns around and says,
"Hell no"
"Not if I've got to explain it 3 times..."

Dont Drink and Drive during Christmas and New Year

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A blonde and a lawyer

A blonde and a lawyer

Joke: Turning a Nice Profit in air; Looks relevant today, Isn't it?

A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane.
The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game,
"All you have to do is ask a question and if I get it wrong or don't know,
I'll give you five dollars, then I ask you a question and
if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars."

"No," she says. "I just want to sleep."

He keeps asking and she finally gives in when he says he will pay her 500 dollars,
but she still only has to pay five dollars.

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" he asks.
She gives him 5 dollars.

"What goes up the hill with four legs and comes down with five?" she asks.

He pulls out his laptop and searches it, but finds nothing.
Then he emails his friends.
After an hour, he still hasn't got an answer, he hands her 500 dollars.

Then he asks her: "So what is the answer?"

She hands him 5 dollars.
Blonde was from Gujarat, you see!

Highly Educated Driver

Highly Educated Driver

Yesterday, I booked a private taxi for airport.
When I arrived at my destination,
the driver gave me his business card for future bookings.

Dr. Ramanand Tripathi, PhD

Wow! I was surprised and quizzed him,
“Why are you driving a taxi with such high qualification?”

He replied, “Dr. is the short form of Driver.“

“Then what about your PhD?”

“I am a Private-hired Driver”

Politicians are illiterate

Politicians are illiterate

It was in 1950, Mr. Edward a retired seasoned politician gave a very long speech on corruption, political, and economic conditions prevalent in the country. He ended his speech and blamed that 50% politicians are illiterate ”.

The next day there were headlines in all the newspapers prominently displaying that 50% politicians are illiterate. Says Mr. Edward.

This created quite a furore among the politicians and furiously demanded instant apology from Mr. Edward and asked him to take back his words.

After two days there was a short message in all the newspapers from Mr. Edward saying: “I take back my words and apologise that 50% politicians are NOT illiterate”.

Politicians were very happy that they made Mr. Edward to apologise and he was forced to take back his words.

The Crocodile Farm

The Crocodile Farm

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a daring proposal;
-Whoever dares to jump, swim to shore and survive, I will give 1 million dollars.

Nobody dared to move, suddenly a man jumped into the water and desperately swam towards the shore while he was chased by all the crocodiles.

With great luck he arrived, taking the admiration of everyone in the place, then the owner announced;
-We have a brave winner.

After collecting their reward, the couple returned to the hotel, upon arrival, the manager told him;
he was very brave to jump,
then the man said;
-I didn't jump, someone pushed me!

His wife smiled ...

Moral: "Behind every successful man, there is a woman who pushes him."

Was this a proposal ?

Was this a proposal ?

Finally he decided the time is right for the momentous question.
"My dear," he began,
"Bachelor life is good,
but you need something more,
companionship, a man need to be with someone dear,
who will look upon to him,
waiting for him, will obey him with all devotion
and be with him at his side when needed, I require that now,
I am in need of that companionship now, so my dear"

As he was almost going on his knees he continues,
"Will you mm......."

His fiance with a bright face 🌝,
and a big happy smile on her, with her open arms,
she said,
"Wow !! so, what kind of dog are you thinking of getting."

Three guys go in for a job interview

Three guys go in for a job interview

Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office.

The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says,
"What's the first thing you see when you look at me?"
The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears."
The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again."

The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question.
The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears."
The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company.

As the second guy is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy,
"Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing."
"Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office.

Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me."
The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts."
The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that?"
The applicant answered, "Because, you can't wear glasses, you've got no ears!"

Calling an Honourable Minister a pig

Calling an Honourable Minister a pig

Worth a Read !

A man was taken to court for calling an Honourable Minister a pig:
It was his first offence and the Judge was in a good mood and decided to show mercy.
So he discharged him after warning him to desist from unguarded utterances in future.

The man removed his cap and thanked the benevolent Judge profusely. ''Thank you, your lordship."
He continued. "Honestly sir, I didn't know it was wrong to call an Honourable Minister a pig. I won't do it again. I am sorry."

"It's okay." Said the Judge. "You may go."

"My lord, may I ask a question, sir?"

"Feel free." Answered the Judge.

"Now I know it's wrong to call an Honourable Minister a pig, but is it also wrong to call a pig Honourable Minister?"

Amused, the Judge replied. "I don't know why you would want to address a pig as Minister. But I don't think the pig would mind. Anyway, it's not unlawful by the way. Yes, you may call any pig Honourable Minister."

The man smiled and nodded, then he turned to look pointedly at the Minister and said. "Goodbye, Honourable Minister!" 😂

Stay positive always

🌹🌹 just enjoy 🌹🌹

Stay positive always!

Doctor : Your Liver is enlarged
Patient : Does that mean it has space for more whisky ?
(This is called "Positive Thinking" 😄😄)

Lady to her dietician :- What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.
Doc :- How come ???
Lady :- According to my weight, my height should be 7.8 feet... 😜
(Now this is called "Positive Attitude" 👍)

A Man wrote to the bank. "My Cheque was returned with remark 'Insufficient funds'. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank".
(This is self confidence in its peak 😂😂)

This one is classic !!
A cockroach's last words to a man who wanted to kill it : "Go ahead and kill me, you coward. You're just jealous because I can scare your wife and you cannot..!!!!"
Always be positive even in difficult situations 😊

Me : “Our dog is very clever. At seven o’ clock every morning he brings us the newspaper.”
My friend : “But lots of dogs do that!”
Me : “I know – but we don’t subscribe to any newspaper!”

20 Years of Marriage !

20 Years of Marriage !

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said:
'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
"I would have been released today..!!!"

Shortcut through the Cemetry

Shortcut through the Cemetry

Shortcut through the Cemetry

Late one night Jack takes a shortcut through the cemetry.

Hearing a tapping sound he becomes scared and quickens his pace.

The tapping gets louder and Jack is now scare out of his wits

Then he notices a man chiselling a tombstone.

"Thank goodness!"

Jack says to the man.

"You gave me a fright of my life. Why are you working so late?"

"They spelt my name wrong."