Showing posts with label Santa-Banta. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Santa-Banta. Show all posts

Banta knows everyone

Banta was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Banta how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Banta and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Banta! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Banta's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Banta that he thinks Banta is knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Banta says.

"President Trump," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Banta says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

At the White House, Trump spots Banta on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Banta, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and have a cup of coffee first."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House, he expresses his doubts to Banta, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Banta. "My folks are from Poland, and I have known the pope a long time."

So they fly to Rome. Banta and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Banta says, "This will never work. I cannot catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I will come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Banta emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the time Banta returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss side, Banta asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, Who is that on the balcony with Banta?"

Santa takes his wife to a graveyard for a picnic

Santa takes his wife to a graveyard for a picnic.

Wife is furious and starts firing the shit out of him saying does anyone go to a graveyard for picnic?

Santa says you don't understand the importance of this place.......

People die to come here !

Santa Katha mein gaya tha

संता कथा में गया

पंडित थाली लेकर – चढ़ावा डाल दो सब लोग

संता – मेरी तरफ से ये 10 रुपये
संता की सास ने पीछे से संता तो 500 का नोट दिया
संता ने थाली में डाल दिया

सास (शाम को) – आपने 500 का नोट थाली में क्यों डाला

संता – आपने ही तो दिया था

सास –
.
.
.
.
अरे वो तो 10 रूपये निकालते टाइम तुम्हारी जेब से निकल गया था
मैंने तुमको वापस किया था 🙂 🙂

Santas e-banking password

Santa's e-banking password was:
"ram-sita-laxman-hanuman-ravan-delhi-rahulgandhi"

Banta: Yaar! Itna lamba password?
Santa: Kya karoon. Bank wale kehte hai ki password main 5 character aur 1 capital hona chahie....
Banta: wo sab thik hai, par Rahul baba kyun ??
Santa: Ek special character bhi zaroori hai....😉😁😜😛😄

ATM Card Issue

ATM card issue.
Santa talking to himself what the hell why my ATM card is not working on this ATM I must call Bank's Helpline number.
Then called the bank.

Bank manager: Hello welcome to your cash bank,how can I help you?

Santa : oh I am Santa calling from Ludhiana what's wrong with my ATM card,the ATM machine is rejecting my ATM card Everytime I insert my ATM card into it.Your bank has worst ATM machines.

Manager : just wait a minute Sir let me check it.sir I have checked your account everything is fine and you should be able to use your card.Are you sure your card is not damaged or broken.

Santa : Are you mad no one can take care of their ATM card as I do.

Manager : OK sir are you sure that the card surface surface isn't wet or rough

Santa : Are you mad or you out of your mind I take very good care of my card.As a matter of fact I even got it laminated last week when I laminated my identity card.

Manager : Sir did you just said laminate?

Santa : Oh of course yes laminate.

Bank Manager Still recovering from Shock ! 😆😆😅😅

Santa- Aap mujhe Sanskrit seekha do.

Santa- Aap mujhe Sanskrit seekha do.

Pandit- Kyon ?

Santa - Devtaon ki bhasha hai. Swarg mein kaam aegi.

Pandit - Agar narak gaye toh?

Santa - Punjabi toh aati hi hai 😂

Santa Job ke liye Interview dene gaya

संता एक बार किसी कंपनी में जॉब के लिए इंटरव्यू देने गया

बंता सिंह (मेनेजर): आपकी शादी हो गयी?

संता: जी हाँ, एक लड़की से हुई

मेनेजर: शादी तो लड़की से ही होती है!!

संता: नहीं जी, मेरी बहिन की शादी तो लड़के से हुई है! 😀

America se Santa ka Dost aaya

अमेरिका से संता का एक दोस्त भारत घूमने आया
तो संता उसे घुमाने ले गया।
क़ुतुब मीनार के पास पहुँच कर संता का दोस्त उससे बोला।
दोस्त: ये क़ुतुब मीनार कितने दिन में बना है ?
संता: एक महीने में।
दोस्त: ये हमारे मुल्क में तो 2 हफ्ते में बन जाता है।
थोडा आगे जाने के बाद दोस्त ने फिर संता से पूछा।
दोस्त: ये लाल किला कितने दिन में बना है?
संता: सिर्फ दो हफ्ते में।
दोस्त: हमारे मुल्क में तो 3 दिनों में बन जाता है।
जब वे दोनों ताज महल के पास से गुज़रे तो दोस्त ने संता से फिर पूछा।
दोस्त: ये ताज-महल कितने दिन में बना है ?
संता: मैं खुद हैरान हूँ की कब बना, कल शाम को तो नहीं था।
😳😳😳😳😝😝😝😝😝😂😂🙏

Banta arrived in the US to earn some money

Here's a killer...
Banta, recently arrived in the US, wanting to earn some money, decides to become a ‘handy-man’ and starts looking for some work in an up-market colony nearby.

He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner, another Indian, if he had any odd jobs for him to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?” the owner says.

The Banta responds, “How about $50?”

The owner says “Fine, there’s a can of brown paint and brushes in the garage.”

The owner’s wife, inside the house, overhearing the conversation asks her husband, “Does he realize that the porch goes all around the house? That’s a whole day’s job!!”

The man replies, “He should; he was standing on it. Do you think he’s dumb?”

“No, I don’t think so. I guess I’m just influenced by those stupid Sardar e-mail jokes we keep receiving.”, she comments

A short time later, the Banta comes to the door and asks for the $50.

“You’ve finished already?” the husband asks.

“Yes,” he replies, “and there was paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reaches into his pocket for the money and hands it to him.

“And by the way,” the Banta adds, “it’s not a Porsche, it’s BMW."

Your Bill Sir !

Waiter: Your Bill Sir!
.
.
Santa : Take My Card...
.
.
Waiter : But Sir, yeh toh aapki shaadi ka card hai!
.
.
Santa : Toh Phir Baahar Kya Mazaak Me Likha Hai... "ALL CARDS ACCEPTED”...

Santa in IIT exam

Santa in IIT exam:
Question :- solve below equation
Sin x = 6n
Santa canecelled "n" from both sides and proved
Six=6.
And he added a note as below:
Don't ask such silly questions. Please maintain IIT standards.
😂😝

Slipping Lion

Santa came back from a safari in Africa. Upon arrival, he went to his friend Banta, and told him of his adventures.

“I was out in the jungle,” he said, “when all of a sudden I heard a noise in the bush behind me. Looking back, I saw a huge lion, licking his chops, and smiling at me. The lion started coming my way and I started running, with the lion not far behind. When the lion was almost at my neck, he suddenly slipped, and I got ahead a bit.

“The lion started gaining on me, and as he got closer, once again he slipped. I happened to see a house not far away, and made towards it.

As I got close to the house, the lion was almost on top of me, when he slipped for a third time. With the very last bit of strength, I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion’s face.”

“Wow! That’s some sorry,” said Banta. “If I’d been in that situation, I would have shit my pants.”

“Well, WHAT DO YOU THINK THE LION KEPT SLIPPING ON…???”

Banta ki Tabiyat Bahut Kharab thi

Banta Ki Tabiyat Bahut Kharab Thi. Wo ICU Mein Bed Pe Leta Marne Wala Tha.

Usne Santa Ko Apne Paas Bulaya Aur Bola.

Banta: “Ye Le 1 Lakh Rupaye. Mere Marne Ke Baad Meri Kabar Par 1 Peg Whisky Roz Chidak Diyo.”

Santa: “Tu Bura Na Maane To Chidakne Se Pehle Us Whskey Ko Apni Kidney Se Filter Kar Du?” 😜

Banta ke Haath Paer kaise Tute

संता- अरे, ये तेरे हाथ-पैर कैसे टूट गए?
बंता- कुछ नहीं यार, वह पड़ोस में जो चायनीज रहता है उसकी बीवी मर गई।पिछले साल ही उनकी शादी हुई थी।
संता- तो?
बंता- तो क्या, वह रो रहा था तो मैंने कहा- भाई दुखी मत हो।बीवी एक साल तो रही, वरऩा  चाइना का माल ईतना भी कहा चलता है

Santa ki biwi ka khana

बीवी – सुनो जी, जब हमारी नयी नयी शादी हुई थी तो जब मैं खाना बना कर लाती थी तो तुम खुद कम खाते थे, मुझे ज्यादा खिलाते थे।
संता - तो ?
बीवी – तो अब ऐसा क्यों नहीं करते ?
संता – क्यूंकि अब तुम अच्छा खाना बनाना सीख गयी हो....
बीवी बेहोश 😜😂

What is the fastest thing in the world ?

4 Students:
1 of HARVARD
1 of OXFORD
1 of TEXAS
and
Santa Singh of IIN

1 Common Question:-

"What is the Fastest thing in the World?"

Student of HARVARD: "Light"

Student of OXFORD: "Thought"

Student of TEXAS:
"Blink of an Eye"

SANTA SINGH of IIN:
"Loose Motion!"

Because

Last Night I Was Lying On My Bed & Before I Could
"Blink" , "Think" or "Turn on the Light" ,
It was all Over... 😝

Harvard / Oxford / Texas Shocked .... IIN Rocked...!!!
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

A Woman brought a Dead Cat to Dr. Santa

This is classic!!!

A woman brought a very limp duck in to Dr.Santa,
a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the duck’s
chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,”
replied Dr.Santa.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested.
“I mean you haven’t done any testing
on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left
the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador.
As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement,
the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it
out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of
the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said,
“I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely,
100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

Dr.Santa turned to his computer terminal, hit a
few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the
bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell
me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $10, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
😝😀😂
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

6 Hafte ki saja Santa ko

😂😂😂
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
एक बार संता अपनी बीवी के साथ कहीं जा रहा था।
रास्ते में उसे एक दोस्त मिला जिसे पुलिस ने पकड़ रखा था।
संता ने उससे पूछा, "क्या हुआ?"
दोस्त: मैंने अपनी बीवी को मार डाला।
संता: सजा कितनी मिली?
दोस्त: 6 हफ्ते।
संता ने आव देखा ना ताव...
पुलिस की पिस्तौल छीनी और अपनी पत्नी को गोली मार दी।
फिर पुलिस से बोला, "चलो मैं भी चलता हूँ, 6 हफ्ते की तो बात है।"
दोस्त: अबे पूरी बात तो सुन लेता... 6 हफ्ते बाद मुझे फांसी है।
😂😂😂😂😂😂

Santa chala Passport Banane

बंता : संता सिंह जी!..ये खड्डा
किसलिए खोदा जा रहा है?"
संता : ओ!..कुछ नहीं जी मुझे अमेरिका
जाना है ना...इसलिए"
बंता : अमेरिका जाने के लिए खड्डा खोदना
जरूरी है ?
संता : ओ!..कर दी ना तूने सरदारों वाली
गल्ल. बेवाकूफ पॉसपोर्ट बनवाने के लिए
फोटो चाहिए होती है कि नहीं?
बंता : फोटो तो चाहिए होती है लेकिन...
फोटो से खड्डे का क्या कनैक्शन है?
संता : अरे बेवाकूफ! पॉसपोर्ट फोटो में कमर
के ऊपर का हिस्सा आना चाहिए...
इसलिए कमर तक गहरे खड्डे खोद रहा हूँ
ताकि नीचे का हिस्सा कैमरे में न आए
बंता : लेकिन यहाँ तो आप आलरैडी
तीन खड्डे पहले ही खोद चुके हो...
फिर ये चौथा क्यों?
संता : बेवाकूफ पॉसपोर्ट में
चार फोटो लगानी पडती हैँ...
😳😳😳
😁😝😝😄😄😄

Bajrang Brand products

Dr: Which soap do u use?
Santa: Bajrang ka Neem wala sabun,
Dr: Which paste?
Santa: Bajrang ka Ayurvedic paste,
Dr: Shampoo?
Santa: Bajrang ka Herbal shampoo.
Dr: Hair oil?
Santa: Bajrang ka Amla tel...
Dr: Is Bajrang a MultiNational Company Brand or a popular local company In your Punjab ?
Santa: No, Bajrang is my room-mate...
Har Ek Friend Jaroori Hota Hai 