A long line of cooks

A Jew applied for an audience with the Pope.
After insistently waiting for three days and refusing to budge, he was finally granted one.
"Your Holiness, I come from a long line of cooks," said the Jew.
"That's very nice," said the Pope. "What can I do for you?"
"My father was a cook too. So was my grandfather!" said the Jew.
"I gather," said an increasingly bored pontiff.
"In fact, my ancestors have been cooks for over 2000 years," the Jew kept pressing.
At his wit's end, the pontiff replied, "You have been going on and on about this since you walked in... What can I do about that and how can I help you, young man?"
"Your Holiness," said the Jew, "The Last Supper Bill still hasn't been paid!"

Experts Talk in Social Media and Television

After a Morning walk, a Group of Doctors were standing at a road-side Restaurant enjoying a Cup of Tea..

They saw a Man limping towards them..

One Doctor said, "he has Arthritis in his Left Knee.."

The second said, "he has Plantar Faciitis.."

The third said, "just an Ankle Sprain.."

The fourth said, "see that Man cannot lift his Knee, he looks to have Lower Motor Neurons.."

"But to me he seems a Hemiplegia Scissors Gait," said the fifth..

Before the sixth could proclaim his Diagnosis, the Man reached the Group and asked,
"Is there a Cobbler nearby who can repair my Slipper.?"

This is exactly how the Experts talk in Social Media & Television on all issue these days..!!

😁😝😂😁😝😂

An Elderly Couple in McDonalds

An elderly couple 👵👴 entered a McDonald’s store 🍿 and sat next to a table where some young people were having dinner.
The old man walked over to the box and made the order for him. 🍔🍟🥛
He unwrapped the hamburger 🍔, cut it in half and put one half next to his wife 👵; very carefully, he counted all the fries 🍟 and did the same.
He dipped two straws into the soda 🥛 and put it between himself and his wife.
The old woman began to eat her half hamburger 🍔, people stared at her compassionately.
A young man 👨 approached them and politely offered to buy them another portion of food. 🍔🍟🥛
The old woman 👵 she replied that she did not bother, that they were used to sharing everything.
People realized that the old man 👴 had not eaten, he only watched 👀 as his wife ate, 👵 and from time to time, he drank a little soda. 🥛
Young 👨 approached again and repeated his offer.
This time it was the old man 👴 who explained that no, they were used to sharing everything.
The young man 👨 then asked the old man👴
And what are you waiting for then..
THE
TEETH!!!
😂😂😂😂😂

Nostalgic School Days

Nostalgic School Days

During my School days, After getting the first beating on my hands from the teacher, I used to wipe my hands on my trousers and then only take the second one ....!
I was very particular about cleanliness.

All my teachers used to stand and take classes...
You know the reason ? Respect.... They respected me so much... Nothing else.

During my school days, my teachers used to often request me to bring my father as they were afraid of telling me anything, lest they offend me .

My teachers were very fond of reading what I had written... In fact they would make me write it a hundred times so that they can read it again and again..

Many times the teachers have thrown their valuable chalks to me without me asking for it.

Many times my teachers have made me stand outside the class to ensure 'Z' category security while they were teaching.

How many times I have been honoured/elevated by asking me to stand up on the bench with all others looking up to me....

How many times I have been given a break from class to enjoy the sunshine & fresh air, when most others were sweating/choking inside the classroom ....

As I knew everything, the teachers used to appreciate my knowledge and have told me many times.....*Why do you come to school ? Why can't you do something else instead...."

Nostalgic days....!!🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Chinese Guy named Kanthaswami

How a Chinese 🇨🇳 guy ended up with a Tamil 🇮🇳 name in Canada 🇨🇦

I met a Chinese man in Niagara Falls who had come over from the Toronto side and was surprised to know that his name was Kanthaswami.

I asked him, "How did you get a name like that, being a Chinese?"

He said, "Long years ago when I came to Canada, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter. The man ahead of me was a Lankan Tamil refugee."

The Canadian lady at the counter looked at him and asked "What is your name?". He replied, "Kanthaswami”.

After processing his papers, she looked at me and asked, "What's your name?"

I said, "Sem Ting".

Classic Insult

A guy went to eat in a cheap, ramshackle restaurant.

To his surprise, the waiter was an old classmate at school.

Shocked, he chided him,
"Aren’t you ashamed of yourself working in a seedy joint like this ?".

”Not at all" replied his friend,
"I’d be ashamed if I ate my meals here.
I only work here".

A priest and a Bus driver at Heaven's Gate

A priest dies & is waiting in line at heaven's gate.

Ahead of him is a loud mouthed guy, fashionably dressed, wearing sun glasses, a fancy shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God to the guy :
'' Who Are You....???? ''

Guy : '' I am the Thrissur-Guruvayur Express Bus driver.....!!!! ''

God : Take this gold robe & enter the kingdom of heaven.

God to the priest : Who Are You.....???? ''

Priest : I am a priest & spent 40 years preaching good to people.

God :
'' Take this cotton robe and enter heaven......!!!! ''

Priest :
'' God, how come that foul mouthed, rash driver gets a gold robe while I, who spent all my life preaching good, get cotton......!!!!! ''

God :
'' Results, my son, results......
While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people really prayed.......''
“ It's Performance, Not Position That Counts.....!!!!!! ”

😆😆😂😆😆😆😂😂🤣🤣

They walk among us

We had to have the automatic garage door repaired.

The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used that repairman since..

They walk among us, they breed, and they vote..

An old man crashed into an expensive automobile

An old man accidentally crashed his car into a very expensive automobile.

The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”

The old man replies, “Woah, wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”

The old man dials his son and as he is about to speak, the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says “So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him!”

The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”

In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, Ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner.

Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says “Dad I train Navy Seals not Dolphins"
🤓🤓🤓🤓🙂

A drunk and a priest in the bus

On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
"Do you know what arthritis is?"

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life:
consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, binges and other things I dare not say."

The drunk widened his eyes, shut up and continued reading the newspaper.

A little later the priest,
thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk,
tried to soften:
"How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis!
It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."🤔😀

Trouble with the English Language

Thoroughly drunk Bawa Dorabjee couldn't hold it any longer &
farts loudly in a London restaurant.

Lord Humphrey sitting at the next table gets very angry and says, “Excuse me.
You have no decency, farting before my wife”.

Distraught with contrition, Bawa Dorabjee stutters,

“My hundred apologies. Believe me, I did not realise it was her turn !!".

That is the trouble with the English language !!!

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and
inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son,
"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average,
study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.
Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment,
decided he'd settle for the offer,
and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said,
"Son, you've brought your grades up and
I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,
but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said,
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that and
I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair,
John the Baptist had long hair,
Moses had long hair,
and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)
"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went .. ?"

A visiting Preacher at a church

A visiting Preacher at a church

A hat was passed around in a Church
to collect money for a visiting preacher
but it came back awkwardly empty.

The preacher took the hat and,
after observing its emptiness, looked up, said,
“I thank Thee, my Lord that I got my hat back“.

The Judge and the drunkard

The Judge and the drunkard

The Judge addressed the drunkard,
"You have been brought here for drinking."

Drunkard, "Thank you very much your honour. Let's start."

All, present in the court, burst out laughing.

Banging the gavel, the Judge said, "Order."

Drunkard, "For me CHILLED BEER with KAJU please."
🥃🥃🥃

A Capitalist Economy

A Capitalist Economy

I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me $45.

Instead, I gave my suit to the charity shop next door.

They cleaned and pressed it, and put it in the window.

I bought it for $12.50!

Dont Underestimate Women

Ganapathy retired from bank service as Senior Manager. Got handsome retirement benefits.
He deposited around 50 lacs in Mutual Funds and debt funds.
25 lacs he kept in SB account itself, as his pension was sufficient for him and his wife. He included his wife's name in his savings account and taught her online banking and the importance of OTP... He told her not to divulge OTP to anyone.

One evening Ganpathy returned from walk.
'I forgot to take my mobile...By the way, anything important?' he asked.

Wife said 'Someone phoned from the bank'

Ganapathy froze.

'Regarding OTP?' He asked shockingly .

Wife said 'You are smart. Of course they wanted me to share the OTP as they wanted to convert our account from silver status to diamond status with more benefits'

'My God..did you get an OTP? Did you share it?'

'Of course..when it is the bank people calling how can I refuse?'

Ganapathy slumped on the sofa. He immediately took the mobile, logged into bank account, with a heart pounding like a jet motorset, murmuring "You idiot... 25 lacs gone"

But he was pleasantly surprised to see not only 25 lacs was safe, but also the SB interest was added to it.

"Did you share the OTP correctly?" he asked the wife..

"Yes. But the bank people repeatedly said that it is not correct and asked me to re-check. I stood my ground."

"What was the OTP?"

"It was 2404. Since it is a joint account, I 'shared' only my half of the OTP.... that is 1202"
😀😀😀😀😀😀

Dont underEstimate women.🥰

Help from God

Help from God

A very poor woman with a small family called-in to a radio station asking for help from God.

A non-believer man who was also listening to this radio program decided to make fun of the woman.

He got her address, called his secretary and ordered her to buy a large amount of foodstuffs and take to the woman.

However, he sent it with the following instruction:
"When the woman asks who sent the food, tell her that its from the devil."

When the secretary arrived at the woman's house,
the woman was so happy and grateful for the help that had been received.
She started putting the food inside her small house.

The Secretary then asked her,
"Don't you want to know who sent the food?"

The woman replied,
"No, Say thanks to whomever sent this!
I don't care who the person is because when GOD orders,
even the devil obeys"!

Do you think you'll live to be 80

Do you think you'll live to be 80

I recently picked a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests,
he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of love?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said,
"Then why do you give a hoot if you live to be 80?

Theory of Relativity

Theory of Relativity

Do not keep roasted peanuts in a transparent jar,
they will disappear fast.

But if you keep roasted cashews
in a transparent jar next to the peanut jar,
peanuts will last longer.

However, if you add a third element..
A bottle of whiskey nearby...
All three will disappear in no time...

Please try...

New Research - Whiskey produces female hormones in men

This is alarming !
Whiskey produces female hormones in men !
🥃🥃🥃

Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Montreal University scientists revealed this.

Men should take a concerned look at their Whiskey consumption.
The theory is that Whiskey contains female hormone producing agents (it contains phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough Whiskey men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 cups of Whiskey each within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally,
and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary

Send this to all the men you know to warn them about drinking too much Whiskey
🥃
😜🤣😜