Trouble with the English Language

Thoroughly drunk Bawa Dorabjee couldn't hold it any longer &
farts loudly in a London restaurant.

Lord Humphrey sitting at the next table gets very angry and says, “Excuse me.
You have no decency, farting before my wife”.

Distraught with contrition, Bawa Dorabjee stutters,

“My hundred apologies. Believe me, I did not realise it was her turn !!".

That is the trouble with the English language !!!

The Judge and the drunkard

The Judge and the drunkard

The Judge addressed the drunkard,
"You have been brought here for drinking."

Drunkard, "Thank you very much your honour. Let's start."

All, present in the court, burst out laughing.

Banging the gavel, the Judge said, "Order."

Drunkard, "For me CHILLED BEER with KAJU please."
🥃🥃🥃

Vagaries of English Language!

Vagaries of English Language! Enjoy!!!😀😀😀

- Wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?

- Why isn't a Fireman called a Water-man?

- How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?

- If money doesn't grow on trees, how come Banks have Branches?

- If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?

- How do you get off a non-stop Flight?

- Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO and those sent by truck SHIPMENT?

- Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the Cupboard?

- Why do doctors 'practice' medicine? Are they having practice at the cost of the patients?

- Why is it called 'Rush Hour' when traffic moves at its slowest then?

- How come Noses run and Feet smell?

- Why do they call it a TV 'set' when there is only one?

- What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?

We can never find the answers, can we?

So just enjoy the pun and fun of the English language!! 😀😀

Old man and the Nuts

I was sitting on the bus and somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw two old man sitting there. One of them said to me, "would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure," I replied. Then he gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with his friends.

"What a nice old man," I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.

A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there he was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and he went back to his seat.

After about 10 minutes, he tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.

I asked him, "Why don't you eat them yourself?"

"Because we've got no teeth," he replied.

"Then why do you buy them?" I asked.

"Oh, because we just love the chocolate around the nuts."

😳⋯⋯

😂😂😂😂😂

In case of an emergency, speak only in English

In case of an emergency, speak only in English.

Never say prayers in any other language.

You never know what kind of translation problem u can run into.

Sharma in the US suffered a heart attack on the road and was picked up by an ambulance.

Being religious, he kept repeating - Hari Om, Hari Om, Hari Om.

When the ambulance pulled into his home,
his wife came out and screamed to the paramedics:
'Why didn't you take him straight to the hospital?'

They replied "Because he kept saying, 'Hurry home Hurry home Hurry home!'

You dropped your purse !

😊😀😁
I saw a woman drop her purse in the street this morning, so I quickly followed her.
As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.
So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.
As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said,
"You dropped your purse on the street outside McDonald's."...
"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"
I said, "I just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."

A Psychology Professor

One day in a well known University, a Sr Psychology Professor started his class on a very serious Topic. The moment he turned towards the blackboard, one of the students Whistled. He turned, looked at the class and asked the whistler's name ............. As usual and as expected no one answered.
The Professor peacefully kept the Pen in his pocket and picked up his bag. Saying that, the lecture ends here and that was enough for the day, he started moving towards the gate of the class. Students were overjoyed to be free.
Then, he suddenly stopped and turned towards the class, kept his bag on the table and said, "I'll tell you a story to utilise the remaining time". Everyone became interested.
Yesterday night I tried hard to sleep, but it was miles away from my eyes, so I thought I'd better get petrol in my car, which will save my time next morning and might induce sleep. After having my tank full, I started roaming in that area, enjoying the peace of a traffic free ride.
Suddenly, on the corner I saw a girl who was as young and beautiful as the clothes she was wearing. Must have been returning from a party. Out of courtesy, I turned my car towards her and asked if I may be of any help. She asked me if I could drop her to her home, she'll be very obliged, to which I agreed. (Who would deny a beautiful young company instead of a dry non sleepy night.)
She sat in the front seat with me. We started talking, and to my amazement she was very intelligent, had control on many topics which many youngsters don't.
When we reached her address, she admitted my courteous nature and behavior and accepted that she had fallen in love with me.
I also admitted her intelligence and beauty and that I've also started liking her. I told her about my job as a professor in the university.
The girl asked my number, which I gave her willingly. Then she asked me a favor, to which i couldn't have denied naturally.
She said that her brother is a student in the same university, and asked me to take care of him, since we'll be in a long relationship now.
I asked the name of the student.She said that I'll recognise him with one of his very prominent quality.
He whistles a lot.
The moment the professor said this, all eyes in the classroom turned towards the boy who had whistled.
The professor turned to that boy and said,
"Young Man I didn't get My Ph. D in Psychology by sitting on my Ass."
😊🤓😍😜😝😜😍🤓😊

English is a Beautiful Language

I called my school time friend on phone,
he said he was working on a special Project
"Aqua Thermal treatment of Ceramics, Aluminum and Steel under a constrained environment".

I was impressed, later I realized, saala bartan dhora tha , under the supervision of his wife !!

English is a Beautiful language !!!😂🤣😂

When you are educated, you believe only half of what you hear !

A Glasgow lawyer went duck hunting in rural Aberdeenshire. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.

"The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here.

"The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Scotland and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

"The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Mintlaw. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.

"The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.

He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

(I love this part)

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.
When you're intelligent, you know which half.

😀😉😜

Dave rides up on a shiny new bicycle

Jim is walking down the street when his mate Dave rides up on a shiny new bicycle.
"Where did you get such a fantastic bike?" he asks him.
Dave relies, 'Well yesterday I was walking along, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the groung, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
So I did.'
Jim nods: ' Good choice - I don't think that clothes would have fitted.'

A Desperado rides into town

A Desperado rides into town and downs a few drinks at the saloon. When he steps outside again, he finds his horse has been stolen.
The Desperado swears, steps back into the bar, and fires a round into the piano. The room goes dead silent. “I’m gonna have one more beer,” the Desperado bellows to the terrified crowd, “and if my horse ain’t back where I left him when I’m done, I’ll do here what I had to do in Houston.”
The locals murmur uneasily as the Desperado sips his drink. Lucky for them all, when he steps outside again his horse has been returned.
As the Desperado saddles up, a local can’t help but ask, “Sir, what exactly was it you had to do in Houston?”
The Desperado narrows his eyes and hisses at the man, “I had to walk home.”

Some Drunk Guy asking for a push

A loud pounding on the door awakened a man and his wife at 3:00 am.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3 am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when our car broke down, and those two guys helped us push the car? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too, you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

I love this part .....

"Over here on the swing!" replied the drunk.

An Indian in the US suffered a heart attack

In case of an emergency, speak only in English.
Never say prayers in any other language.
You  never know what kind of translation problem u can run into.
An Indian in the US suffered a heart attack on the road and was picked up by an ambulance.
Being religious, he kept repeating - Hari Om, Hari Om, Hari Om.
When the ambulance pulled into his home, his wife came out and screamed to the paramedics:
'Why didn't you take him straight to the hospital?'
They replied,
"Because he kept saying, 'Hurry home Hurry home Hurry home!' 😝😝😝

True Account recorded in the Police log of Florida

😆😆😆😆😆😆😝😝😝😝😝😉

Get Out Of The Car!

This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

The moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment ... make it memorable.

😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😬😬😬

Two well dressed ladies at Brisbane Airport Terminal

Two well dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an
endless wait in Brisbane Airport Terminal.

The first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy business
Man.
The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Mount Isa, Queensland.
After a little while the Victorian woman started by saying, "When my first
child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from Mount Isa commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful gold Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from Mount Isa commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman went on, ............
"Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Mount Isa lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked , "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Mount Isa lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my Lord! What could they teach you??"

The Mount Isa lady responded, "Well as an example... ...
Instead of saying, "Who gives a fu*k?", I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious?"

Five old ladies in the car

Sitting on the side of the highway, waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH.
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
He turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies in the car, two in the front seat and three in the back ... with eyes wide open and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says: "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving much slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? - No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" ... the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But, before I let you go Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car OK - because these women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," 
The officer said. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."

3 Drunk Guys entered a Taxi

Lol.... 😝😝
3 drunk guys entered a taxi.🚘
The taxi driver knew that they were drunk 🍻so
he started the engine & turned it off again.
He told them.... "We have reached".
The 1st guy gave him money💸 &
the 2nd guy said "thank you".
The 3rd guy gave the driver a slap.👋
The driver was shocked,😳
thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did.
he asked "whats that for?".
The 3rd guy replied:
"Next time drive slowly"   😂😂

A Woman brought a Dead Cat to Dr. Santa

This is classic!!!

A woman brought a very limp duck in to Dr.Santa,
a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the duck’s
chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,”
replied Dr.Santa.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested.
“I mean you haven’t done any testing
on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left
the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador.
As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement,
the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it
out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of
the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said,
“I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely,
100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

Dr.Santa turned to his computer terminal, hit a
few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the
bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell
me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $10, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
😝😀😂
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Foxsports Best England Cricket Team Jokes

Foxsports best England jokes

Q. What would Glenn McGrath be if he was English?
A. An all-rounder.

Q. What's the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. What advantage do Eoin Morgan and Jonathan Trott have over the rest of their teammates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.

Q. Why don't English fielders need pre-tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.

Q. What do you call a Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What do Matt Prior and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. What is the definition of optimism?
A. An England batsman putting on sunscreen before going out to bat.

Q. What is the difference between an England batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! If you blink you'll miss both.

Misbah-ul-Haq Trying to Propose an Australian Girl

Misba-Ul-Haq(Pak Captain) trying to propose an Australian Girl :
Misba: Mai apse beintha muhobat karta hu
Girl: What?
Misba: Mai apse pyar karta hu
Girl: Pls speak in English
Misba: Boys Played Well.. It was just a bad luck today and we lost the match.
😅😂😂😂