Showing posts with label Jokes On Men. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes On Men. Show all posts

A Perfect Man

A Perfect Man

- wakes up at 5 am everyday
- exercises everyday
- makes his own bed
- cleans his room
- works sincerely
- does not touch alcohol
- helps in the kitchen
- does not indulge in night life
- is always punctual
- prays daily
- reads
- hits the bed at 9 pm sharp.

These men are found in Central jail.
๐Ÿ˜‚

Adam ate the apple again !

This is ribs cracking. ๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€

A woman and a man were involved in car accident.
It was a bad one, caused by the woman's reckless driving.
Both of their cars were badly damaged but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of ... cars, the woman says;
“So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely damaged, but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she handed the bottle over to the man.
The man nodded his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police to come and collect their evidence."
(drunk driver's offence)

Adam ate the apple again !
๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ

Men will NEVER learn !
Women will Never change!!!
๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€
Don't laugh alone. Kindly put a smile on someone else's face.

A Lady Blowing a Kiss to a Man from the Window

Two friends ๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿ‘ฑ were walking home and a lady happened to be blowing a kiss ๐Ÿ˜˜ to one of them from the window of a storey ๐Ÿกbuilding.

1st friend: Man, it looks like that babe is blowing kisses at me.

2nd friend: Guy leave her alone, don't pay any attention to her.
(Then the lady signalled ๐Ÿ™‹ to him to come)

1st friend: Man the babe is calling me!

2nd friend: My friend, don't go.

1st friend: Why would you ask me not to go when a fine babe like that is calling me?

2nd friend: Pal, l'm begging you, please don't go, please don't go ๐Ÿ˜–

The friend ignored him and went over to the lady, she went to meet him and they both went upstairs. Suddenly as they were about to have fun, they heard a car honking

Lady: (on opening the window) Hell ! That's my husband!!

1st friend: Shit! I'm in trouble!!

Lady: Don't worry, just pretend like you're the laundry man and iron these clothes, pointing at a heap of clothes ๐Ÿ‘š๐Ÿ‘•๐Ÿ‘–๐Ÿ‘”๐Ÿ‘—๐Ÿ‘˜
The guy spent the whole day ironing clothes because the husband never left home that day.
The next day he went over to his friend's place

1st friend: Pal, can you believe that it was clothes and clothes l ironed throughout the day yesterday

2nd friend: But I told you not to go. All those clothes you ironed, l WASHED THEM THE PREVIOUS DAY

Men will Never Learn

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car.
Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn't break.
Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she handed the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman.
The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
She replies, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the police."

Men will never learn
๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜ˆ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

Explanation of Life !

I recommend to read this ! I bet u will give the best possible smile in the end.

On the first day,
God created the dog and said,
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said,
"That's a long time to be barking.. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
God agreed....

On the second day,
God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said,
"Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed....

On the third day,
God created the cow and said,
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said,
"That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.....

On the fourth day,
God created humans and said,
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said,
"Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God.
"You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.๐Ÿ˜€

You Can't Win with Women

YOU CAN'T WIN WITH WOMEN

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain . God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

    (¨`·.·´¨) Always
     `·.¸(¨`·.·´¨) Keep
    (¨`·.·´¨)¸.·´ Smiling!
     `·.¸.·´

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.
It's a bad collision , caused by the woman's reckless driving.
Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them a re hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says;
"So, you're a handsome man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely damaged, but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune together."
Then she hands the bottle to the man seductively.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police to come and collect their evidence."
ADAM  ATE  THE  APPLE AGAIN ! !
Men will NEVER learn !

Experiment on Married Indian Men and Women

A Psychological Research Body conducted a simple experiment on a group of married Indian men and women.

All the participants were told to translate a few English phrases.

One of them was:
"I love you too"

Translated by majority of Women:
"Main bhi tumse pyar karti hoon"

Translated by nearly half of the men:
"Main tumse bhi pyar karta hoon"
๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ

From the ladies: Evening classes for men.

From the ladies:
Evening classes for men. Starting this month…!
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

Topic 1.
How to fill ice-cube trays.
Step by step with slide presentation.

Topic 2
Differences between the laundry basket and the floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 3
Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open forum.

Topic 4
Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 5
Real men ask for directions when lost.
Real-life testimonials.

Topic 6
Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while SHE parks…?
Driving simulation.

Topic 7
Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife.
Online class and role playing.

Topic 8
How to be the ideal shopping companion.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 9
How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late!!!

Mobile Aya Camera Khatam

Mobile Aya
Camera Khatam

Mobile Aya
Wrist Watch Khatam

Mobile Aya
Torch Khatam

Mobile Aya
Radio Khatam

Mobile Aya
MP3 Khatam

Mobile Aya
Letters Khatam

Mobile Aya
Calculator Khatam

Mobile Aya
Computer Khatam

Mobile Aya
Sakoon Khatam

Aur agar apka "Mobile" ap ki "BV" k
haath aya to aap "Khatam." =))

THE SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIED LIFE

THE SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIED LIFE-
Once I asked my friend, "What is the secret behind your Happy Married Life?"
He said "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."
I asked "Can you explain?"
He said "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my Wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."
Still not convinced, i asked him "Give me some examples".
He said "Smaller issues like, which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit the super market, when & where to go on vacation, which sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy. Monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc. Are all decided by my wife. I just agree to it "
I asked "Then, what is your role?"
He said "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanctions over Zimbabwe, whether telangana should be formed or not, whether Dhoni should retire from Cricket , Whom should Salman Khan Marry. etc etc. and do you know, my wife; NEVER, objects to any of these decisions"...

Dedicated to Married People....!

Never Underestimate the power of a woman

Once a lady decides to celebrate her birthday by
staying at a Luxury hotel.
The next day when the
lady is checking out of the hotel, they give her a
bill for $250/-. She is taken aback looking at the
bill and starts fighting at the desk on such a big
bill. The Manager comes in to end the ruckus with
a customer.
He says ''Mam, we have so many facilities for our
customer to use Free of cost such as Spa,
Swimming pool, Gym etc., so thats why all the
charges are included in it.''
The lady replies, but I have not used it, so why
should i pay.
Manager says - Thats your fault, but you have to
pay.
The lady finally hands him over a cheque for $50.
The manager says this is only $50 what about the
balance $200.
The lady replies, $200 for you sleeping and using
me in the night.
Manager - But i haven't slept with you.
Lady - Thats your fault, I was here full night and
you could have used me, if you didn't, thats your
fault, i am sorry for you"
and walked away from the
hotel with every1 looking at her amazed.
Moral: moral-voral kuch nahi,aunty bohot shaani
thi...
Never underestimate the power of 3 things:
1. Women angry for a reason!
2. Women angry without reason!
3. Women about to get angry & looking for a reason.. =))=))

A Woman's Poem

Must read.... A Woman's Poem
He didn't like the curry
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard..
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't prepare the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Isn't there anything I could do
To match his mothers shoe?
Then I smiled as I saw light,
One thing I could definitely do...
I turned around and slapped him tight,
Like his mother used to do!!!!!๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ˜†

Wife vs Husband

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
                                
CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can  be  so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain . God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to  wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.  Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.  The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT !!

A true Female Joke

Here is a joke I consider a true female joke.
I offer it to you in the hope that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it!
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $10.00.. on one condition..."
Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed $10 from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....



"Clean my house."


Galib v/s wife Galib:

Galib v/s wife Galib:
Hume to apno ne loota,
Gairo me kaha dum tha.
Hamari kashti waha dubi,
Jaha paani kum tha.
Wife:
Tum to the hi gadhe,
Tumhari akal me kaha dam tha.
Waha kashti leke hi kyu gae,
Jaha paani kam tha.
 wife's always rocks


7 sadhu 7 chatai

7 sadhu 7 chatai par baithe the...ashram mein
Ek aadmi aaya aur sabse bade sadhu se pucha:
"Baba biwi control nahi hoti, kya karu?"
Sadhu (chote sadhu se):"Ek chatai aur laga BHAI ke liye.๐Ÿ˜€

A Spanish Teacher

This one is too good...
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,
male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer'
should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four
reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine
gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little
longer, you could have got a better model.
The women won.