Showing posts with label Insults. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Insults. Show all posts

Classic Insult

A guy went to eat in a cheap, ramshackle restaurant.

To his surprise, the waiter was an old classmate at school.

Shocked, he chided him,
"Aren’t you ashamed of yourself working in a seedy joint like this ?".

”Not at all" replied his friend,
"I’d be ashamed if I ate my meals here.
I only work here".

Beggar Rocks Man Shocks

A beggar in front of a temple says " Sir, earlier you used donate Rs.50, then reduced it to Rs. 30, then further reduced it to Rs.20 and now you are giving me only Rs.10. Why so?

The man replies "When I was donating Rs.50, I was a bachelor, then I got married and donating Rs.30, then I had my first child and donating Rs.20, and now I had my second child, that's why I am giving only Rs.10.

Then the beggar nags " That means your entire family is living at my mercy"

Beggar rocks...and the man shocks...

Old man and the Nuts

I was sitting on the bus and somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw two old man sitting there. One of them said to me, "would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure," I replied. Then he gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with his friends.

"What a nice old man," I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.

A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there he was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and he went back to his seat.

After about 10 minutes, he tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.

I asked him, "Why don't you eat them yourself?"

"Because we've got no teeth," he replied.

"Then why do you buy them?" I asked.

"Oh, because we just love the chocolate around the nuts."

๐Ÿ˜ณ⋯⋯

๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Fair Cream vs Shoe Polish

Ek Bhut hi kala aadmi dukan pe gaya

Wo itna kala tha ki koyla bhi sharma jaye

aur bola –

Bhaiya gora hone ki cream hai kya ?

Dukandar – nahi hai

Aadmi – accha to juta polish hi de de

kam se kam chehre pe chamak to banni rahegi ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ˜‰

Please read Instructions Carefully !

๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ˜‚
A man was shocked to see his beautiful divorced neighbor knocking on his door one Friday evening.
"I'm feeling so lonely that I can't stand it." she said.
"I want to go out, get drunk & want to enjoy my life. Are you free tonight?"
"Yes!" he replied enthusiastically.
"Wonderful." she said.
"Then please take care of my kids...๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜ƒ

Moral : Please read instructions carefully before saying yes!
All free items come with terms and conditions..."
๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‚

Cell Phone use in Public

After a tiring day, a young lady settled down in her local train seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her, pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice

"Hi Sweetheart, its Vinod, I'm on the Train"
"Yes, I know it's Six thirty and not four thirty, but I had A Long Meeting"
"No, honey, I was not with Preethi from the Accounts Office, I was with the Boss attending the meeting"
"No Sweetheart,
You're the only one in My life"
"Yes, I'm sure dear".

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When the Young Woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,
"Vinod darling, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Now, Vinod is back from hospital and doesn't use his cell phone in Public Any Longer.

Humour- They walk with us

Humour- They walk with us

■ A guy bought a new fridge for his house.

To get rid of his old fridge { still working }, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'

For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it !

They walk among us ! ๐Ÿ˜‚

■ One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted, "Look at that dead bird !"
Someone looked up at the sky and said "Where?"

They walk among us ! ๐Ÿ˜‚

■ While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was North because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the North?'

My brother explained that the sun rises in the East and has for some time. She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff.'

They walk among us ! ๐Ÿ˜‚

■ My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

They walk among us ! ๐Ÿ˜‚

■ My sister has a life saving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

They walk among us ! ๐Ÿ˜‚

■ I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.

The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?' { I work with professionals like this }.

They walk among us ! ๐Ÿ˜‚

■ While working at a pizza parlor, I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.

He thought about it for some time then said "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

They walk among us ! ๐Ÿ˜‚

And last, but not the least. Dumb as a box of Rocks TRUE STORY...

■ A noted Psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi { Speaker of the United States House of Representatives } happened to appear.

Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

Sadly, they walk among us !
๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Prize winning Message of the Year !

Prize winning message of the year-๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜‰.

A guy asked a girl in a library, “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl answered with a loud voice,
"I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT
WITH YOUUU!!!!!”

All of the students in library started staring at the guy. He was very embarrassed.......

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and told him, “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking.

Let me guess, you were embarrassed, huh?”

The guy responded with a loud voice,
“200 DOLLARS FOR ONE NIGHT?!?!?!
THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!”

…and all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock......

The guy leaned over and whispered,
"I study Management, and I know how to screw people.........."

Don't Laugh alone ...
๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜

Two Camels

Two camels (a mother and a baby) were lazing around, when suddenly baby camel said.
Baby: "mother, mother, can I ask you some question?"
Mother: "sure! Why son, is there something bothering you?"
Baby: "why do camels have humps?"
Mother: "well son, we are desert animals, we need the humps to store water and we are known to survive without water."
Baby: "okay, then why are our legs long and our feet rounded."
"Son, obviously they are meant for walking in the desert. You know with these legs I can move around the desert better than anyone", said the mother proudly.
Baby: "okay, said baby camel. "then why are our eye lashes long? Sometimes it is bothering my sight." said baby camel.
Mother: "my son, those long thick eye lashes are your protective cover. They help to protect your eyes from the desert sand and wind." Said mother camel with eyes brimming with pride.
Baby: "I see. So the hump is to store water when we are in the desert, the legs are for walking through the desert and these eye lashes protects my eyes from the desert.
.
.
.
Then what the hell are we doing here in a zoo???
Moral: Skills, Knowledge, Abilities and Experience are only useful if the management gives opportunity!!
"Don't wait for the opportunity…. Create your own"

Never Panic There’s always a solution

In a Store a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.
The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the Store,
but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.
So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter".
To his surprise, the customer was standing right behind him..!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So the boy added immediately, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half!!!!!!".
After the customer left, the manager said "You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come from?"
To this the boy said, "I come from Brazil. The place consists of only prostitutes and football players!!!!!"
The manager replied coldly, "My wife is also from Brazil ".
To this the boy asked excitedly, "Oh yeah? Which team does she play for?"
Moral:- Presence of mind helps, Never Panic, There's always a solution….!!!
๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ˜„

Funny Comments on the page on ISC Topper

Arkya chatterjee topped ISC by scoring 99.75%
These are the comments he got for the page that published it on facebook..
Don't blame me if you die laughing. Welcome to internet.
1. Don't publish this fact in newspaper. We have parents to answer
2. Itna to mere phone ka battery bhi charge nahi hota...
3. Ye ladka kalpanic hai iska vastav se koi sambandh nhi hai
4. Badhai ho....par aaj 8 saal ho gaye mere XII k results ko, aaj fir daant padi.
5. apsara pencil se likha ho tha to 0.25% bhi mil jate.........extra marks for good hand writing
6. Tu roadie nahi banega..U dont give ur 100% - Raghu
7. Mere purre graduation k 3 saal ka total bhi itna nai jitna tu ek exam mein laya hai kaminey..
8. Not a big deal...His tutor is Rajnikant
9. Congrats dude, you are the reason my parents have so many expectations.
10. Itna toh dettol, kitanu nai maarta...
11. See Sarthak, i dnt knw wat tough times u wuld hav gone thru.. lekin beta is tarah se padhaai pe gussa nahi nikalte..!!
The best ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ
12. Main toh agar apna paper khud check karta toh bhi itna marks nahi la paata"

Apple and Microsoft Notice Jokes

Notice on entry gate of a Apple Store in NY :-

Don't ever fart here;
the smell will stay for ages.
We don't have Windows.๐Ÿ˜‚
########$$#########

 And tit for tat from Microsoft in their premises..

"Anyone visiting us here can be free to use Windows in case you need to release stale gas from yesterday's half eaten apple."๐ŸŽ๐Ÿ

We have been providing open window system to the world since ages. ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‚

Foxsports Best England Cricket Team Jokes

Foxsports best England jokes

Q. What would Glenn McGrath be if he was English?
A. An all-rounder.

Q. What's the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. What advantage do Eoin Morgan and Jonathan Trott have over the rest of their teammates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.

Q. Why don't English fielders need pre-tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.

Q. What do you call a Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What do Matt Prior and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. What is the definition of optimism?
A. An England batsman putting on sunscreen before going out to bat.

Q. What is the difference between an England batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! If you blink you'll miss both.

Confessions of Ankita

Im still laughin at ths...
Haha....๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚
Must Read coz climax is just awesome ๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ‘Œ
CONFESSION OF Ankita...
During lunch at work , I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone ☎ rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go ๐Ÿ’จ. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more๐Ÿ’จ๐Ÿ’จ๐Ÿ’จ.๐Ÿ˜‚ The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.๐Ÿ˜† Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes๐Ÿšฝ๐Ÿ’จ๐Ÿ’จ๐Ÿ’ฉ๐Ÿ’จ๐Ÿ’จ๐Ÿšฝ. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence ๐Ÿ‘ผ,when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused: "Happy Birthday"..๐Ÿ˜
๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

An Engineer and a Doctor

A beautiful STORY...
An ENGINEER was removing the engine parts from a motorcycle when he saw a famous heart surgeon in his shop..
He went to him & said.. "Look at this engine...
I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired and put them back...
So why do I get such a small salary? and u get huge sums....!"
The doctor smiled at the ENGINEER and came close to his ear and said.... "Try the same when the engine is running."
.
.
.
.
.
.
Continuation
.
.
.
.
.
.
The ENGINEER  smiled back came close to doctors ear and said
I can pick any dead engine and make it alive . . . . . . . But can you ???
๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿ‘ Not only classic but Epic ๐Ÿ”ง๐Ÿ”ฉ๐Ÿ”จ☺

What is it Thinking?

Think you are sitting in front of computer, what computer will think...?
Intel inside
mental outside.
You are standing in front of fridge...
What fridge will think...
Cool inside
fool outside
Think you are standing outside race course...
What race course will think...
Ghoda inside
Gadha outside...
Now laugh...๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜›๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ˜€
Think you are using Whatsapp, what will Whatsapp think?
Jokes inside, joker outside
๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜›๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†

Akbar Birbal and the 5 Idiots

Akbar called Birbal and asked, like there are Brilliant people in his State will there be Idiots available?.
Birbal said there will be.
Akbar then ordered Birbal to go around the State search and bring 5 of such Idiots and present to him in the Council.
Birbal was awestruck since you can identify brilliant people by conducting some form of competition, but how to identify Idiots.
However he goes around the State and after a month comes back with 2 such people. There after following is the conversation between Akbar and Birbal
Akbar: Dear Minister I think you are poor in counting, I asked for 5 people and you have brought only 2.
Birbal: Your Highness please let me explain and then you will know yourself
Akbar: OK. Go ahead
Birbal: When I was going around the State I found this guy carrying a huge Gunny Bag on his head and travelling in a Bullock Cart. When I asked he said that if he keeps the bag in the Cart it will be overloaded and hurt the Bulls. I realised he is the 5th Idiot and brought him to you.
Akbar: Excellent. Next
Birbal: I saw the other guy was taking his Buffalo to the roof top of his house for grazing where grass was found grown. I realised he is the 4th Idiot and brought him to you.
Akbar: Fine. Next.
Birbal: When there are so many problems in the functioning of this kingdom, leaving those entire aside I have been going around the State for a month wasting my time in searching for Idiots, hence I am the 3rd Idiot.
Akbar: Laughs out loud. Next.
Birbal: Instead of solving all the problems that are there in the Kingdom, you have been looking for Idiots in your State, hence you are the 2nd Idiot.
Hearing this entire Council was scared and there was pin drop silence.
Akbar: Fine there is truth in your statement. Who is the 1st Idiot?
Birbal: Your Highness when there are so much of work in the Office and Home to attend to, leaving all this aside person who is reading this Story to know who is the 1st Idiot in "Whatsapp" is the 1st idiot๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Test for Aapko khane mein kya pasand hai

Ek magic.
...
Ek Test jo bataayega ki Aapko Khaane me Kya Pasand hai ??
Stepwise karte jana ....
1 se 9 tak koi ek Number sochiye !!!
Soch liya ??
Ab 3 se Multiply kariye !!
Ab ussme 3 Add kariye !!
Phir 3 se Multiply kariye !!
Ab jo Answer aaye usski Dono Digit ko Aapas me Plus kare .......
And,
Ab Check kariye !!!!!!!
1. Rajma ๐Ÿ›
2. Paneer ๐Ÿš
3. Chicken ๐Ÿ—
4. Pizza ๐Ÿ•
5. Burger ๐Ÿ”
6. Gulab Jamun ๐Ÿ˜
7. Chowmein ๐Ÿœ
8. Ice Cream ๐Ÿฆ๐Ÿง๐Ÿจ
9. Gobar ๐Ÿ’ฉ
Kya Hua ?????
Chhi....Chhi....Chhi......
Pata nahi kaise Khaa lete ho ???

Ab Dusra Number soch ke Dubara mat karna Plzzzz .....
Haa haa haa
๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚
Market me Naya hai,

Son: Can I go to my friend's house for party?

Son: Can I go to my friend's house for party?

Dad: Don't ask me. Ask your mom

Mom: Don't ask me. Ask your dad

Son: Sala, ghar hai ya SBI ki branch?

Can you be the moon of my Life ?

Can you be the Moon of my Life

Boyfriend : Can you be the moon of my Life ?
Girlfriend : Awww Yes Sweetheart..!!

Boyfriend : Great ! then stay 9,955,887.6 kms away from Me..!!